[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[HarryMonkey]

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

 

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

 

The farmer said, "That's twice."

 

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

 

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

 

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

 

The farmer said, "That's once."

[mikeprice]

Juts been arrested at the airport when we came back from holiday - charge is murder

 

I am pleading Not Guilty because I was following the instruction of the cabin crew

 

They said to turn off all electronic devices

 

If they mean to exclude my wife's heart pacemaker then they should have said!

[Norphy]

That made me genuinely laugh out loud. Am I a bad person?

[6Foot2]

Link: https://twitter.com/Dempster2000/status/1541509602151366659 [Picture Tweet]

 

All the Steves are Brown (all the Steves are Brown)

And this Guy is Gray (and this Guy is Gray)

 

[mikeprice]

Outside Tesco, some kids asked asked me to buy them 20 Richmond. I thought, what the hell and got them...

 

You should have heard the abuse I got when I handed them over!!!

 

I told them “ Next time you can get your own sausages !!

[mikeprice]

I have decided to dress up as a different type of bread every day next week in support of the wheat farmers

 

 

Roll on Monday

[mikeprice]

Hyphenated . . . Non-hyphenated.

Oh the irony...

 

 

(I had to post that one)

[mikeprice]

Seems like I totally misunderstood Pride Month

 

 

anyone want to buy 15 lions???

[hardtailstar]

Yesterday my doctor told me I've got the peekaboo virus.

 

He sent me straight to the ICU.

[elfdaughter]

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

[6Foot2]

If you’re going to burst through the door unannounced, waving a German sausage, knockwurst!

[elfdaughter]

Why did the skeleton laugh at the feather duster?

 

It tickled his funny bone

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Text Tweet]

 

 

[HarryMonkey]

There's a butchers shop in London that's selling panda sausages. I just heard a woman ask for two.

[elfdaughter]

There's a butchers shop in London that's selling panda sausages. I just heard a woman ask for two.

Oooh, that took me a minute.....

[ICTDirect_Dave]

Oooh, that took me a minute.....

 

Me too!

[Jawloms]

Me too!

 

Yeah, I had to say it out loud before I got it.......

[Norphy]

In a similar vein, a good one if you're a brummie:

 

What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

 

You wash your hands in a bison...

[E_G_R2]

On the same vein if your from Lancashire

 

"bloke walks into a hardware shop and asks for turps. The guy behind the counter says audio or video?"

Edited July 18, 2022 by E_G_R2

[StevieM]

And over the Pennines…

 

A Yorkshireman goes to the vet.

Yorkshireman: ”Ah think there’s summat up wi’ meh cat.”

Vet: Is it a Tom?

Yorkshireman: “Nay, lad. Ah browt it wi’ meh!”

[StevieM]

And, so that I can’t be accused of being regionalist…

 

What’s the most popular name in the Liverpool phone book?

A Hughes

 

What’s the most popular double barrelled name in the Liverpool phone book?

A Hughes-Lott

[elfdaughter]

Here's one for my fellow Geordies:

 

Bloke went to an Optician for an eye check.

"Right," says the optician, "Can you see that board?"

"Bord?" Says the geordie - "Ah cannit even see the cage!"

[Jawloms]

I remember Jimmy Carr saying his favourite Yorkshire sentence was "Tin tin tin", which means "It isn't in the tin".

[dcwhitworth]

Man walks into a coffee shop in Glasgow and asks for a latte with oat milk.

 

Puzzled barista hesitantly replies, "I'm sorry sir, I canna make a latte wi'oot milk"

[mikeprice]

I’ve just eaten pelican curry! I’m on holiday and we’ve been to exotic food restaurant. I’ve seen crocodile steak, buffalo and ostrich burgers before, yet never pelican. The meat was tender in texture like the dark meat of a duck, but was more like chicken breast in taste. It tasted beautiful but the bill was enormous.

 

Also

 

 

and