[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

What if Rula Lenska had married Tom Thumb?...

[mikeprice]

What if Rula Lenska had married Tom Thumb?...

 

How would that work - he was only the size of his father's thumb

 

 

He wouldn't be able to lift the ring to put it on her finger

 

(he said choosing a non frog-worthy possible problem)

[6Foot2]

.

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Olaf Falafel Text Tweet]

 

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Text Tweet And Reply]

 

[mikeprice]

 

 

 

 

To be fair - that is probably me

 

apologies if this applies to any mods - magical or not

[hardtailstar]

I once told a friend I'm a door, he told me that I need to handle my wooden thoughts....

 

---------------------------------------

 

Two cats were swimming a race,

 

One cat called one, two three, the other called Un Deux Trois.

 

The cat called one, two, three won the race as Un Deux Trois cat sank.....

[6Foot2]

I turned down the opportunity for backstage access at a U2 concert because I was worried about standing too close to The Edge.

[3s-gtech]

I turned down the opportunity for backstage access at a U2 concert because I was worried about standing too close to The Edge.

 

I once got legal advice from U2 - it was biased but at least it was free.

 

It was Pro Bono.

[mikeprice]

A British monastery has fallen on hard times, and the monks wonder how they can raise extra funds. It turns out that two of them had been cooks before taking their vows, and they suggest opening a fish-and-chips restaurant.

 

They do, and it becomes popular. The place is known for miles around for the fish-and-chips, made by two monks. It’s so popular, in fact, that the local newspaper decides to do a story on them.

 

The newspaperman comes by, and sure enough, there are two monks, still in their cassocks, working furiously behind the counter, putting out their fish and chips. The newspaperman calls out to one of them: “Oi, which one are you? Are you the fish friar?”

 

“No”, he replies, “I’m the chip monk.”

[hardtailstar]

A British monastery has fallen on hard times, and the monks wonder how they can raise extra funds. It turns out that two of them had been cooks before taking their vows, and they suggest opening a fish-and-chips restaurant.

 

They do, and it becomes popular. The place is known for miles around for the fish-and-chips, made by two monks. It’s so popular, in fact, that the local newspaper decides to do a story on them.

 

The newspaperman comes by, and sure enough, there are two monks, still in their cassocks, working furiously behind the counter, putting out their fish and chips. The newspaperman calls out to one of them: “Oi, which one are you? Are you the fish friar?”

 

“No”, he replies, “I’m the chip monk.”

There used to be a chip shop near me called 'The fat friars' and had fat friers as their logo. Wasn't owned by a monastery though....

 

What do you call a Spanish one on one?

 

Juan on Juan.....

[mikeprice]

Why did the man fall down a well

 

 

 

because he couldn't see that well

 

 

(courtesy of our 10 year old grand-daughter)

 

I'm educating her on th eimportant stuff

Mrs mikeprice is in charge of history and grammer and speling

[6Foot2]

...Mrs mikeprice is in charge of history and grammer and speling

 

So you might say, if you were so inclined, that Mrs mikeprice is The Grammar Granny.

 

[HarryMonkey]

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other - you drive, I'll man the guns.

[6Foot2]

 

😱

[mikeprice]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]66450[/ATTACH]

 

😱

 

Leave them alone - they are just lion down

 

 

or at least that is what they told me - I suppose they could be lion

[6Foot2]

Pet peeve ... Subtitles that aren't accurate. With maybe the exception of live broadcasts, there is no real excuse for subtitles being inaccurate...

 

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[6Foot2]

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[mikeprice]

A friend has just left me a voice mail saying he has changed his name by deed poll to "spinal column"

 

He wants me to call him back

[HarryMonkey]

I went to the off licence on Friday on my bicycle and bought a bottle of scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

 

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the scotch before I cycled home.

 

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

[6Foot2]

I bought a pack of animal-shaped biscuits, but had to take them back because the seal was broken.

[mikeprice]

I bought a pack of animal-shaped biscuits, but had to take them back because the seal was broken.

 

It was worth putting up with that one because one of the fish shaped biscuits was Brill

 

(took me far too long to come up with that one)

[6Foot2]

 

[6Foot2]

I have been learning how to guess the weight of dogs - picked up a few pointers yesterday. Although, it might be easier to weigh them in pounds.

 

Handy hint: For fish, use scales.

[6Foot2]

Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.

 

It’s a massive Boost for the economy.