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In response to this post: Link: What cool thing(s) did u do today? Post your Dad Jokes here.

He's making a database He's sorting it twice SELECT * from contacts WHERE behavior = 'nice' SQL Clause is coming to town

Taylor Swift buys .porn and .adult web domain names, says report - BBC Newsbeat Many hopeful fans, I suspect? (I assume it's to stop the domains being registered and filled with photoshopped pictures.. But sshhh! Don't spoil the joke!)

The True* Origin Story of the New MacBook | WIRED Turn it up loud. By the end tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Hi guys It appears that our executive karaoke machine has bitten the dust. It's stuck playing "I Will Survive" and there are streamers from party corporate poppers stuck all over the control panel with some smelly gunk that I can't quite identify. It's booked out for important meetings all the time, so I'm urgently seeking a replacement. What karaoke machines do you guys have at your schools that you can recommend? I initially looked at the Sing-a-Tron 5000 series, but I've read that the firmware can be flakey and the support isn't very good, so it's perhaps not all that suitable for enterprise use. I also considered the Pitchmaster X10, but looking at the product pics online it looks like it could easily get knocked over and damaged in the hustle and bustle of a regular bi-weekly planning meeting.

...but I don't think you'll get it.

Knife crime must end....last night I was given a steak knife when I clearly ordered the fish.

I Present to you Fifty Shades Of Gravy: The Cookbook Link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Shades-Of-Gravy-Cookbook-ebook/dp/B00BOXOOCW/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Might have already heard it, but "Did you hear about the new band called 1023?" They can't get a gig yet.

!!!

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube? A. A laughing stock. Q. What is the height of optimism? A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 racing car? A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. Q. What does an English batsman playing in the Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies? A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball. Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director? A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

John had been a lawyer on the Australian mainland for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...' 'Great', says John, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.' As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.' 'Not a problem' says John. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .. I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More'n likely be some wild s e x, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says John, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?' 'Don't matter much. Just gonna be the two of us.

Just made me laugh this morning Source

I found these listed as Dilbert One Liners: One mistake has already been pointed out and I have removed it. Here is what remains: A friend in need is a pest indeed. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, engaged or married to someone else! Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon! Born free, taxed to death. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. Following the rules will not get the job done. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? If you can't convince them, confuse them. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?" Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first. My reality cheque bounced. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. Someday is not a day of the week Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. The road to success.... Is always under construction. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy. Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane. When everything is coming your way......you're in the wrong lane. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Also here is a link to a website which lists Dilbert quotes [10 quotes to a page] Link: Dilbert Quotes, Famous Dilbert Quotes Quotations Dilbert Sayings

(Tech Support | California, USA) Caller: "I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!" Me: "Could you please repeat that" Caller: "The local university is running an illegal computer system! They've hacked it!" Me: "How could you tell they'd hacked it" Caller: "Well, when it booted, it didn???t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!" Me: "Do you mean Debian Linux" Caller: "Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something" Me: "Uh, no, it's just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about." Caller: "But it's illegal! It's not Microsoft, not even Windows! They're on a normal Microsoft computer, so they're breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I'm calling the FBI!" *hangs up*

Everyone wants talk about Rock Star Coders who build exciting web apps and drive sports cars but what if you were to interview someone more average? Sten’s Blog Blog Archive Interviews with Average Programmers

You have probably heard that a new council tax-evaluation policy proposes to charge us more if we live in a nice area. So surely that ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas? Well – there is a huge council house in our street and… The extended, dysfunctional family is headed by a fierce-looking old lady with a pack of yapping dogs Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate but the police still do nothing Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army, but are regularly seen partying in expensive nightclubs Simply, they are costing us a fortune and they are out of control… ... I hate living near Windsor Castle.

Pinched from another forum I use..... It's a slow day in a little Scottish town. The sun is beating down,and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £50 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £50 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today.. Makes you think doesn’t it?

A new survey has just been released and shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Saw this on the reg and it made me chuckle Atlantis glides home with choked pee nozzle ? El Reg Forums

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official Source: Really Funny Jokes: Clean jokes-The English language

And here's one in return: A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, - . . . . . . . . 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

These are of course all old jokes but when 13 of the top 50 and 5 of the top 10 are from Tommy Cooper the fact that they are all old is easily overlooked. 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you." 2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu." 3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra" 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied. 9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?" 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". 18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" 22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?". 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" 30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!" 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" 40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club... 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it. Source: Tommy Cooper dominates list of best jokes - Telegraph

As soon as he got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

This was the mail convo I had today. I have removed obv data stuff. Found it quite funny, but please inform me if it wasn't lol.