[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Olaf Falafel Text Tweet]

 

 

[elsiegee40]

What should you do if you’re addicted to seaweed?

 

Sea kelp

Edited April 24, 2020 by elsiegee40

[6Foot2]

I'm disappointed with the Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.

 

They’re all chewy.

[unixman_again]

Hugh Hefner made millions by staying at home all day in his pyjamas. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working the same for me. (nicked from sickipedia)

[Jawloms]

Seen on Dave at the ad break last night;

 

If you re-arrange the letters in Royal Mail, they get really annoyed.

[6Foot2]

I saw a bee fly into a bell.

 

I thought, “That’s a real humdinger”

[unixman_again]

The Saudi's have taken the idea of building a Nightingale hospital in the capital Riyadh. Theirs is called Florence of Arabia. (seen on sickipedia)

[6Foot2]

Saw a woman in a pub playing snooker & balancing a pint on her head...

 

...Beatrix Potter.

[jaisingh1006]

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

"No, I don't think they'll fit me."

[elsiegee40]

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

"No, I don't think they'll fit me."

Me: Shall I put the kettle on?

Mr gee40: It won’t fit

 

We have been together since 1985... it’s getting a little tedious [emoji23]

[6Foot2]

Me: Shall I put the kettle on?

Mr gee40: It won’t fit

 

We have been together since 1985... it’s getting a little tedious [emoji23]

 

I have used 'The kettle reply' within the last month.

 

I have been instructed to post a reply.

 

We have been together since 1987. I understand. And sympathize with you.

 

Reply ends.

[mikeprice]

Me: Shall I put the kettle on?

Mr gee40: It won’t fit

 

We have been together since 1985... it’s getting a little tedious [emoji23]

 

Thanks for that

 

We have only been together for about 5ish years

 

so I can keep the kettle 'joke' going for about another 25 years plus

 

I shall relay you data to Mrs Mikeprice

I'm sure she will be thrilled - she SO enjoys that 'joke'

[StevieM]

My dad used to really wind me up by saying 'Steak and Kidley pie'.

 

'Dad, it's kidney - not kidley!'

 

To which he would reply, 'That's what I said, diddle I?'

[MkII]

My dad used to really wind me up by saying 'Steak and Kidley pie'.

 

'Dad, it's kidney - not kidley!'

 

To which he would reply, 'That's what I said, diddle I?'

Same. I'd forgotten. [emoji106][emoji106]

[GrumbleDook]

Me: Shall I put the kettle on?

Mr gee40: It won’t fit

 

We have been together since 1985... it’s getting a little tedious [emoji23]

 

Oh yes ... been doing this joke since '92 with Mrs Dook ... sometimes I get the question "can you turn the kettle on?"

(approaches kettle) Hey, how you doin'? You have wonderful curves and I know I can get you hot and steamy!

 

And yes, the rolling of eyes is audible.

[mikeprice]

Oh yes ... been doing this joke since '92 with Mrs Dook ... sometimes I get the question "can you turn the kettle on?"

(approaches kettle) Hey, how you doin'? You have wonderful curves and I know I can get you hot and steamy!

 

And yes, the rolling of eyes is audible.

 

Is there a special course females go on to train them how to do that???

 

askin' for a friend

[jmak]

I think it's something men lose somewhere after adolescence. Children can do it too.

[smurfomatic]

Back in the good old days, when family were allowed to visit, my sister would ask me to put the kettle on. So I'd switch it on, but not make her a cuppa - that's not what she'd asked for! Got her annoyed every time...

[Norphy]

When my brother in law started going out with my sister, every so often he’d hold up a mug and say “Two sugars Lou!”. In the end, she just started giving him back the mug with two sugars in it.

[HarryMonkey]

When (on rare occasions) I'm asked to draw the curtains, I often reply by asking for a pencil and paper. I still have the bruises.

[unixman_again]

My mate just told me sixty jokes in an hour. He's a laugh a minute. (seen on sickipedia)

[unixman_again]

Two from sickipedia

 

I once did a stand up gig in Cornwall and it went terribly. I got Bude off stage.

 

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejeykll.

[6Foot2]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

 

The barman asks the rabbit "What will you have?"

 

The rabbit replies "I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect."

[Seb1780]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type-o"

[6Foot2]

Link: https://twitter.com/BarrosMichael21/status/1261393075080843264 [Picture Tweet]

 

My fiancé just asked me to come into the kitchen to see what they made.

 

“It’s a couch potato.”