[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Picture Tweet]

 

#dadjoke

[6Foot2]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]58200[/ATTACH]

..

[mikeprice]

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

[StevieM]

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

 

Please tell me that you copied and pasted that list, or I may think that you may just have a little bit too much time on your hands!

[mikeprice]

Please tell me that you copied and pasted that list, or I may think that you may just have a little bit too much time on your hands!

 

Not saying

 

but anyone who knows me well will suspect that I could never concentrate long enough to come up with enough countries

 

another clue is that they are (probably) all spelled correctly

 

and 'someone' (who shall remain nameless but might be suspected of the use of magical devices) might point out that there are no apostrophes replaced with semi-colons

[gerardsweeney]

My wife would have pounded that keyboard to dust with a claw hammer.

Then burned it. Just to be sure.

She's not a big fan of spiders, as you might have gathered.

[6Foot2]

The best part of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.

 

I had never seen an insect get married before.

[Norphy]

The best part of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope.

 

I had never seen an insect get married before.

 

That was the first joke in this thread that actually made me laugh out loud. Most of the others just elicited a groan

[6Foot2]

I'm addicted to buying Beatles records.

 

Where can I get Help?

[smurfomatic]

A friend told me to get a hold of my obsession with my small number of woodworking clamps, despite the fact I don't drink, smoke or go to parties.

 

I told him it's my only vice.

[elsiegee40]

.....

[MkII]

My 4 year old has been trying to learn Spanish since lockdown began. He still can't say "please" though which I think is poor for four?

[ICTDirect_Dave]

My 4 year old has been trying to learn Spanish since lockdown began. He still can't say "please" though which I think is poor for four?

 

That joke should come with an apology in advance!

[StevieM]

That joke should come with an apology in advance en Español!

FTFY!

 

That reminds me of this Robot Chicken Star Wars sketch:

 

[6Foot2]

A friend told me that cones are the future.

 

I'm not so sure, but they do have a point.

[Jamiegt10]

Ditto, spend more time cringing than laughing but liked that one

[Andrew_C]

Hello. Thank-you for calling the 'Parenting in lockdown Helpline UK'

 

Unfortunately, your phone-call is in a long queue. We receive a high volume of emergency calls, particularly during Home Schooling hours and meal-times, so please be patient and someone will be with you as soon as possible.

 

Please choose from one of the following options.

 

Press 1. If you have just told a child they have ‘UNTIL THE COUNT OF THREE’ but have no idea what to say next.

 

Press 2. If you wish to talk to a grown-up and have an actual conversation.

 

Press 3. If you have banned all screens and don't know what the f* to do now?

 

Press 4. To hear a soothing voice count to ten and tell you it's all going to be OK.

 

Press 5. If your child has just given up their daytime nap and you require counselling.

 

Press 6. If you are trying to teach a child fractions and need urgent assistance.

 

Press 7. If you need an emergency delivery of wine.

 

Press 8. If you are trapped under a pile of laundry.

 

Press 9. If you have sustained an injury whilst doing PE with Joe. Please hang up and dial 999.

 

Press 10. If your child requires an urgent 'Fortnite' rehab referral.

 

If you are developing symptoms of Compulsive Amazon Ordering Syndrome - please hold to speak to one of our trained specialists.

 

Press 0 to hear these options again.

[6Foot2]

Earlier this evening Mrs P and our son were talking about doorbell cameras etc.

 

Nest and Ring are home security systems, while Hive is...

 

...luminescent clothing you might wear to stand out against the background!

 

[StevieM]

I didn't get that until I said it out loud!

[mikeprice]

I didn't get that until I said it out loud!

 

OK - I blame @StevieM for making me go back and looking at it properly

 

pretty bad even for the site - sorry thrread

[Norphy]

I think I must be being dim. I still don't get it.

[6Foot2]

I think I must be being dim. I still don't get it.

 

"...Hive is..." [smart home devices] vs "...Hi Vis..." [High visibility clothing]

 

[Norphy]

Ah. I see.

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by Norphy

[6Foot2]

OK - I blame @StevieM for making me go back and looking at it properly

 

pretty bad even for the site - sorry thrread

 

If it helps, it actually happened.

 

I told a dad joke.

 

For real.

 

[Garacesh]

Ah. I see.

 

 

Yes, that is this thread in a nutshell, please enjoy your stay