[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[mikeprice]

Our local has its Wi-Fi password as: 244466666, so when someone asks, they say it is 123456.

 

Ok - had to look twice - then look again

 

clever though

[6Foot2]

A friend of mine owns a DeLorean.

 

I asked if he used it much, he said he only drives it from time to time.

[unixman_again]

I took my kids to a firework display last night." Dad, can we actually buy some next year?" asked the eldest as we stood looking at them behind the counter in Tescos.

[mikeprice]

I took my kids to a firework display last night." Dad, can we actually buy some next year?" asked the eldest as we stood looking at them behind the counter in Tescos.

$deity i love this thread

[6Foot2]

Beyoncé's sat nav directions are Irreplaceable!

 

 

[unixman_again]

I just lost my job manufacturing keyboards.

 

Apparently I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.

[Garacesh]

Weird request, but I'm after a surplus of dead batteries.

Preferably free of charge.

[6Foot2]

I have some CR2025.

 

I KNOW they are flat!

 

[DJ-1701]

I have some CR2025.

 

I KNOW they are flat!

 

 

Oh I see, this joke making the rounds.

[HarryMonkey]

I know it's a cartoon rather than a joke but it's still funny.

 

[mikeprice]

Apparently I'm not allowed to read this thread to my wife

 

Even though we are on holiday

 

???????

[unixman_again]

Black Friday is a right con, I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon, and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

[unixman_again]

There is a great documentary on telly tonight about perfume - it's on Chanel No 5

[Scan099]

I burned 2000 calories today, I left my food in the oven for too long.

[Zourous]

I burned 2000 calories today, I left my food in the oven for too long.

 

oh yeah, I do this all the time. Only meant to leave it in there for a few minutes and Doh! charcoaled again!

[Jawloms]

I just got covered in salt from a spreading lorry just as I was smiling at someone. "Idiot" I growled through gritted teeth.

[Mewdewgooboofoo]

oh yeah, I do this all the time. Only meant to leave it in there for a few minutes and Doh! charcoaled again!

 

I love my dyslexia some times, I read it as "Only meant to leave it in there for a few minutes and Doh! Chocolate again!"

[HarryMonkey]

A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken came running and shouted, "No don't do it! You'll never hear the end of it!"

[6Foot2]

Is this still working in 1909?

 

Might have to ask @DJ-1701 if we can borrow his Tardis to answer this one!

 

[Zourous]

I love my dyslexia some times, I read it as "Only meant to leave it in there for a few minutes and Doh! Chocolate again!"

 

Wasn’t going to admit this but it’s quite funny now and case of double dyslexia. I thought the original post said “foot” and not “food” and this was my sarcastic response. Have the admins enabled a random dyslexic mode for giggles?

[6Foot2]

It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub.

 

It’s a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house.

 

The difference is staggering.

 

[6Foot2]

I had a call to assist 'removing a child from their jacket'

 

They'd basically zipped it up to their neck and the zip was bust trapping the ever more sweaty child inside. So I went along with a toolkit and basically popped the zip so he could escape. I think I work in ICT, but somedays I'm not sure.

 

You could have called on someone to help get it done more quickly:

 

Taylor Swift?

 

[6Foot2]

For a long time, I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok.

 

Wookie mistake!

[6Foot2]

Policeman: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!

 

'Offender': Wait, I can explain everything!

[unixman_again]

In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut' - that will be a hard one to crack.