unixman_again Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 Loads of jokes here https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2018/11/13/people-are-sharing-their-favourite-stupid-jokes-and-these-41-are-so-stupid-theyre-brilliant/
Oddbod Posted November 13, 2018 Posted November 13, 2018 We got our dog from the blacksmiths. As soon as we got him home he made a bolt for the back door. We call our dog Carpenter… as he keeps doing little odd jobs around the house… 1
6Foot2 Posted November 17, 2018 Author Posted November 17, 2018 When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
Oddbod Posted November 17, 2018 Posted November 17, 2018 You'll need a Scottish accent for this one... What's wrong with Mickey Mouse's helicopter? Disneyland. My other vehicle is a Rolls Canardly… Because it rolls down one hill… and can hardly get up the next…
HarryMonkey Posted November 19, 2018 Posted November 19, 2018 The inventor of the snooze button has passed away... His funeral will take place tomorrow at 10:00am, 10:09am, 10:18am, 10:27am and 10:36am! 1
HarryMonkey Posted November 29, 2018 Posted November 29, 2018 I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken... There's no going back now! 3
6Foot2 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Posted November 30, 2018 Hmm. I can't decide if I should take a new job in bed sales. I think I should sleep on it...
ICTDirect_Dave Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Hmm. I can't decide if I should take a new job in bed sales. I think I should sleep on it... Joking aside, in my younger days i DID work in bed sales. It was sleeping on the job that nearly got me sacked!
mikeprice Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 A the Microsoft tech support guy joined the Army. He’s on the rifle range, and after he fires a full magazine, his target is still virgin. He looks at the target, looks at his rifle and reloads. Then he puts his finger over the muzzle and fires, blowing his fingertip off. He turns to the drill sergeant and says, “It works fine here; the problem must be on their end.” 1
6Foot2 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Posted December 10, 2018 That's not a spare, it's a split... Oh-oh. Dad joke goes wrong.
hallb15 Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 Did you hear about the Viking, 'Rudolph the Red'? He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife asked "What makes you say that?" "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." 1
unixman_again Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas? Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence When do sheep practice their new dance? While shepherds watched them floss by night What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born? The stable has had some wise men in it Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much? She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas? Suits Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party? She misjudged the strength of the punch Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning? They keep changing the thyme Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he’s tired of being in the single market What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas? Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey? Shred sauce Who won the North Pole Love Island? Dani Deer Source: https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2018/12/11/donald-trump-tops-modern-christmas-cracker-jokes-competition-not-fake-news/ 1
HarryMonkey Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 I recently visited the National Railway Museum at York. Unfortunately it was closed... So I had to go to the National Bus Replacement Museum instead! 3
Popular Post 6Foot2 Posted December 13, 2018 Author Popular Post Posted December 13, 2018 Link: [Text Tweet] Tell me your favourite ever joke. Some replies: police are looking for man who refuses to update his pdf reader, he is described as mid 30s with dark hair and has no fixed adobe I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube. It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting. I saw a French Stick in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity. My dog had an habit of chasing people on a bike. It got that bad that I had to take the bike off him. I spent 500 quid on a limo rental with no driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it. I told my mate I was a big fan of Beyoncé. He said “Whatever floats your boat”......I said “No, that’s buoyancy” 5
hallb15 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Here's a festive one from my advent calendar... How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? Deep pan, crisp and even.
HarryMonkey Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 My friend Sid was a victim of I.D. theft. Now people call him S. 1
hallb15 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Why did the baker have brown fingers? Because he kneeded a poo!
HarryMonkey Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, £1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down." 1
mikeprice Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 I saw an ad for an invisible radio can't see it myself 1
mikeprice Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 [ATTACH=CONFIG]51583[/ATTACH] OK. Add all of that to the log! Just leaf it lying there - investigating woodn't do any good The perpetrator probably won't stick around - he will have got away by train on the branch line but you could check if any of the local dogs were heard to bark 2
HarryMonkey Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 OK. Add all of that to the log! I think it's a job for special branch. 2
ICTDirect_Dave Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 [ATTACH=CONFIG]51583[/ATTACH] OK. Add all of that to the log! Just leaf it lying there - investigating woodn't do any good The perpetrator probably won't stick around - he will have got away by train on the branch line but you could check if any of the local dogs were heard to bark I think it's a job for special branch. Alright, that's enough. There's a thread for this kind of behaviour time to leaf here and take it to the correct place 3
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