[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

Link:

[David Baddiel Text Tweet]

 

My daughter, a vegan, makes stuff using Tempah. But she tends to use quite small amounts. Without fail, when she appears with the plate, I say: "That's just Tiny Tempah." This is a dad joke I can't stop. Any help appreciated.

[6Foot2]

Left my phone under my pillow last night and when I woke up the phone was gone, and in its place was a pound coin.

 

I think I was visited by the Bluetooth fairy!

 

[HarryMonkey]

The man who invented the word search has died. His funeral will be held next...

 

T T I S P V G K M P

H J G U O N Q U X

N M O N D A Y W Z

B A T K T E N O P G

H C V N K O T D I M

[6Foot2]

Just bought a really expensive barge pole.

 

I thought, if push the boat out...

[6Foot2]

A good friend was always late.

 

His doctor told him to sleep in a herb garden.

 

Sounds odd, I know, but now he can wake up on thyme.

[mikeprice]

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

 

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Text Tweet]

 

Visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush. There’s no plaque.

[6Foot2]

I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, blackcurrants, and apples.

 

They didn’t have any.

 

It was a fruitless trip.

[HarryMonkey]

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis , and Arnold Schwarzenegger are making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart "

 

Bruce Willis , "So.. I'll be Beethoven."

 

Schwarzenegger announced , "in that case.. I'll be Bach ."

 

 

 

 

It's National Tell A Joke Day

Edited August 16, 2019 by HarryMonkey

[mikeprice]

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis , and Arnold Schwarzenegger are making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be Mozart "

 

Bruce Willis , "So.. I'll be Beethoven."

 

Schwarzenegger announced , "in that case.. I'll be Bach ."

 

 

 

 

It's National Tell A Joke Day

 

Weak excuse

 

 

tears rolling down cheeks from laughing though

[HTCPCP]

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.

“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.

“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.

“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”

[HarryMonkey]

I've accidentally swallowed the cats tablets...

 

Don't ask me-ow!

[6Foot2]

I had a book on anti-gravity. It was a great read - I just couldn't put it down.

 

If a man is addicted to drinking brake fluid can he stop any time he wants?

[3s-gtech]

If a man is addicted to drinking brake fluid can he stop any time he wants?

 

Yes, but only when pressured into doing so [emoji851]

[6Foot2]

Abolish lollipop men and women outside schools!

 

They make the kids cross!

 

[mikeprice]

I had a really good joke about lollipops

 

I can't quite remember it

 

really annoying - it is on the tip of my tongue

 

- - - Updated - - -

 

I had a really good joke about lollipops

 

I can't quite remember it

 

really annoying - it is on the tip of my tongue

[mrstrong]

Our lollipop lady has just reported finding a large hole in the road...

The police are looking into it.

[HarryMonkey]

Not sure if this a wind up. I have just received a call saying I have won either £200.00 or tickets to see an Elvis tribute act.

 

It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

 

[6Foot2]

I was offered a radio without batteries.

 

I think it’s a wind up.

[robyholmes]

I was offered a radio with a knob missing.

 

I just couldn't turn it down.

[6Foot2]

I just heard Placebo on the radio.

 

Now I am so confused because I thought it was The Cure.

[HarryMonkey]

A little boy was walking down the road eating a chocolate.

 

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

 

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

 

"By eating chocolates?" the man asked.

 

"No, by minding his own business!"

[HarryMonkey]

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?

 

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

 

Me: Okay, I'll have a Coke.

 

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

 

Me: Sure, how much is that?

 

Barman: £3.

 

Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?

 

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

[mikeprice]

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?

 

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

 

Me: Okay, I'll have a Coke.

 

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

 

Me: Sure, how much is that?

 

Barman: £3.

 

Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?

 

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

 

If I ever buy a pub that's the wifi password sorted!!

[6Foot2]

Our local has its Wi-Fi password as: 244466666, so when someone asks, they say it is 123456.