[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[mikeprice]

I bought a coat from Debenhams in the sales. Pre-sale price was £495 but I got it for just £25.

 

It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look all over and the only thing I can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.

 

Bargain!

 

OK - why did I have to read that 3 times before I worked it out?????

[mikeprice]

Not sure if this is a Dad joke - but it is what I would say

 

[Norphy]

https://tastefullyoffensive.tumblr.com/post/630243505551376384/pleatedjeans-baptainbrunch

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Text Tweet]

 

At school, I used to bury my head in the sand. Eventually, he expelled me.

[elsiegee40]

.....

[mikeprice]

A monk who claimed to have seen the face of Jesus in his margarine tub has said

"I can't believe it's not Buddha"

[6Foot2]

Link 1:

[Text Tweet Reply]

 

 

Link 2:

 

[HarryMonkey]

I guessed orange, but it was chocolate.

 

I guessed toffee, but it was peanut.

 

I guessed strawberry, but it was coffee.

 

I was wrong on so many Revels!

[HarryMonkey]

Police have discovered the body of a man inside a crate of chickpeas...

 

They are treating it as hummuside!

[6Foot2]

.

[mikeprice]

Got some orange liqueur that keeps singing 'Devil Gate Drive'

 

 

 

it’s Suzi Cointreau.

 

- - - Updated - - -

 

 

 

Thought this belonged here

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Picture Tweet]

 

Scooby I could eat, how about you?

 

 

[mikeprice]

Seems like a good time for this one

 

 

Burt Bacharach: Who's your favourite composer?

 

Sean Connery: Schubert.

 

Burt Bacharach: That's very kind, thanks, Sean.

[mikeprice]

Seems like a good time for this one

 

 

Burt Bacharach: Who's your favourite composer?

 

Sean Connery: Schubert.

 

Burt Bacharach: That's very kind, thanks, Sean.

[6Foot2]

Seems like a good time for this one

 

 

Burt Bacharach: Who's your favourite composer?

 

Sean Connery: Schubert.

 

Burt Bacharach: That's very kind, thanks, Sean.

 

Heard you the first time.

 

Beethoven wouldn't have.

 

[ITBadger]

I've just quit my job at the cat shelter.

 

I had no choice as they reduced meowers...

[mikeprice]

I've just quit my job at the cat shelter.

 

I had no choice as they reduced meowers...

 

Hate it when they do that - leaves you with a bad feline

[6Foot2]

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

[Jawloms]

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

 

Reminds me of the old;

 

There are 10 types of people in the world; those that understand binary and those that don't.

[mikeprice]

 

 

apparently she was attacked - police say it was race-related

[Garacesh]

Reminds me of the old;

 

There are 10 types of people in the world; those that understand binary and those that don't.

 

I always preferred "There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data."

[6Foot2]

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

 

"Rhino!"

 

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

[6Foot2]

I saw a priest wearing a mask who threw some holy water at me.

 

At first, I thought it was a bit odd but now I think was a blessing in disguise.

[mikeprice]

Just opened my lunch

 

another wooden ball

 

 

 

you would think the makers of avocados would think of some other toys!!

 

 

(for reference - this is just for humorous purposes - I wish it to be known that I have never bought, opened or eaten an avocado)

[mikeprice]

I need some help

 

maybe the mods can advise

 

I keep getting loads of PMs from some bloke - username seems to be Buster

 

he keeps sending them - mostly links to Glam Rock videos from the 1970s

 

 

 

 

We just haven't got a clue what to do

 

but

Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way

To block Buster

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry

really don't need help - it's called a joke (other opinions are available)

although I may need some help - anyone got a pond warmer they don't need