[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

Why do pirates' beards feel rough?

 

Because they're corsairs.

[Jawloms]

I spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that it doesn't come with a driver.

 

I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

[StevieM]

I spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that it doesn't come with a driver.

 

I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

 

That reminds me of another one:

 

I was talking to a friend, the other day, when I noticed a the head of a tiny, little man in a peaked cap sticking out of his trouser pocket.

 

Shocked, I pointed and asked, “What’s that?!”

 

My friend rolled his eyes and replied, “It’s a chauffeur… and he’s driving me nuts!”

 

[neonetman]

Oops- I'd missed it ebing previously posted... so erm.. "yes" it was intentional {creeps back into his corner}

[mikeprice]

Right that's done

 

Booked a table fro Valentine's night for me and my wife

 

 

wonder if she can play snooker??

[hardtailstar]

I once heard a dad joke, I told him it wasn't funny...

[MkII]

I once heard a dad joke, I told him it wasn't funny...

 

/thread

[6Foot2]

/thread

 

[Garacesh]

I feel like @Dos_Box or @ZeroHour need to add that as an official forum emote

[6Foot2]

I feel like @Dos_Box or @ZeroHour need to add that as an official forum emote

 

Same, but with background removed and no border.

 

[mikeprice]

Apparently all dogs have to have microchips by 2023

 

 

Stuff that - mine is getting Pedigree Chum as usual

[mikeprice]

On another note

I have started to apply for some jobs and wanted to get my CV sorted out

 

One web site had a special offer so I ordered 2

 

the car is arriving tomorrow

[StevieM]

On another note

I have started to apply for some jobs and wanted to get my CV sorted out

 

One web site had a special offer so I ordered 2

 

the car is arriving tomorrow

 

Scan reading that, CV and 2 jumped out at me and I made the connection before I got to the punchline.

[Ditto]

---

Scan reading that, CV and 2 jumped out at me and I made the connection before I got to the punchline.

Not so much a joke, but a true experience. One of my brothers had a 2CV and the passenger door fell of outside Argos when my mum got out. She was dead embarrassed! The car was later put up for sale for £45 ono hoping to get something above £30. A local lad visited and said 'Would you take £50'. Of course the offer was accepted immediately!

[mikeprice]

Apparently a giraffe can grow up to 18 feet

 

 

 

 

which is strange because all the ones I've seen have only had 4

 

 

 

 

 

pedant note - hooves not feet - but the 'joke' doesn't work like that

thought I'd better say that before 'someone' does

[mikeprice]

On a more local note

 

 

last time I went to Blackpool I went on a donkey

 

 

 

took me 3 days to get there!

 

 

 

 

 

 

and on the same note

 

 

A donkey meets a racehorse in a pub. They get talking, find each other to be good company, and after "last orders" the racehorse says "Why don't you come back to my stables, we've got all mod cons, I've got a fridge full of beers...."

 

So they go back to the racehorse's stable. The walls are decorated with photos.

 

"What's that?" says the donkey. "Oh, that's me the time I won the Grand National"

"What's that one?" "That's me with the Queen at Royal Ascot"

"That one?" "That's me at the Derby..."

 

The donkey's thinking "I can't compete with that - this racehorse is a superstar, I'm just a donkey from Blackpool beach". He drinks up his beer and goes home.

 

A couple of weeks later, they meet again. After "last orders", the donkey says "This time, we'll go back to my stables"

 

They arrive at the donkey's stable, and on the wall is a huge picture of a Zebra.

 

"What's that?" says the racehorse.

 

"Oh, that.... that's me when I played for Juventus..."(*)

 

 

 

(*) or Newcastle. Or St Mirren. or....

[6Foot2]

I have a flat stomach.

 

But the 'L' is silent.

[HarryMonkey]

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

 

But, no one remembers his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

[mikeprice]

 

......

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Picture Tweet]

 

I really hope Matt Damon is back for this one

 

[6Foot2]

.

[mikeprice]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]64756[/ATTACH]

.

 

to be fair - I'd do that

[DJHLUnicorn]

to be fair - I'd do that

 

Me too I know someone else who would have aswell [emoji6]

[Jawloms]

And did you also go and thank the management as instructed?

[dcwhitworth]

And did you also go and thank the management as instructed?

 

It would be rude not to after such a good set up line.