[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[ICTDirect_Dave]

Oh $deity

 

 

That is bad even for Edugeek

 

Bad?

 

That, my friend, was a masterpiece!

[StevieM]

My favourite joke (although it's better when spoken):

 

A man walks into a shop and asks, 'Do you have any helicopter-flavoured crisps?'

 

The shopkeeper replies, 'Sorry, we only have plain.'

 

[smurfomatic]

What's the best way to kill a circus?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Go for the juggler...

[unixman_again]

I read about a Jouster who would leap over a row of tethered horses. He was...wait for it...Medieval Kneival.

 

(found on yougov)

[DJ-1701]

......

[HarryMonkey]

An elderly man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

 

"Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

 

"Twelve thirty!"

[6Foot2]

Link: https://twitter.com/bafflematt/status/1235634310289506304 [Text Tweet]

 

Went into the chemist and asked an assistant "What gets rid of coronavirus?"

 

She said "Ammonia cleaner"

 

I said "I'm sorry, I thought you worked here"

[Andrew_C]

This may well not work in writing, and you'll have to be able to do accents in your head:-

 

Where do the Devon Daleks live?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Exeter mate.

[6Foot2]

Went out to the co-op a while ago to panic buy 3 onions

 

I laughed so much, I had a little leek!

[mikeprice]

I laughed so much, I had a little leek!

 

oldest joke on Merseyside

 

There's a leak in the Mersey tunnel

 

it fell off a farmers wagon

 

 

even Jimmy Tarbuck thought it was too old for his act

[6Foot2]

oldest joke on Merseyside

 

There's a leak in the Mersey tunnel

 

it fell off a farmers wagon

 

 

even Jimmy Tarbuck thought it was too old for his act

Not that long ago, as a birthday treat, my older brother and I were sent to a 'comedy' performance given by Ken Dodd (a Liverpudlian, note) My brother and I left the performance at the earliest possible time. Ken was performing joke after joke that evening that I had seen him deliver on television when I was a boy.

 

#TrueStory

[mikeprice]

Not that long ago, as a birthday treat, my older brother and I were sent to a 'comedy' performance given by Ken Dodd (a Liverpudlian, note) My brother and I left the performance at the earliest possible time. Ken was performing joke after joke that evening that I had seen him deliver on television when I was a boy.

 

#TrueStory

 

The earliest possible time

 

 

at a Ken Dodd show that was normally about midnight - in the interval between the first 2 halves

(note to young people - he was famous for his shows going on for a VERY long time)

[Andrew_C]

he was famous for his shows going on for a VERY long time)

I know theatre technicians with "VIEWS" on Doddy. And the cost of late taxies home as the buses stopped two hours ago...

[StevieM]

On the topic of Scouse jokes, my mate showed me this in the pub last night.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfdnB4pOGWI

[6Foot2]

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19.

 

However, doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they say that they can reassure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

 

[JJonas]

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19.

 

However, doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they say that they can reassure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

 

 

He got chills they're multiplying

[mikeprice]

He got chills they're multiplying

 

apprarently he got better very quickly - like Greased Lighting

 

mind you the PR dept of the hospital were very pleased with the publicity - they had been saying he was the "One that I want"

[DJ-1701]

apprarently he got better very quickly - like Greased Lighting

 

mind you the PR dept of the hospital were very pleased with the publicity - they had been saying he was the "One that I want"

 

Tell me more, tell me more...

[mikeprice]

It's too cold - you'll have to wait for the SUmmer Nights

[Andrew_C]

I sense an impending case or two of amphibianitus.

[crc-ict]

I sense an impending case or two of amphibianitus.

 

Is that when you've got a frog in your throat?!?!

 

[unixman_again]

Thunderbirds 2020.

 

Go and fetch the Rolls, Parker.

Do you want the Andrex or Tesco home brand, Mi'lady?

[korifugi]

A chap just rode past me shouting "It's the end of the world!"

 

I think it was Farmer Geddon

[6Foot2]

When I read that, before I reached the punchline, I had already inserted three words thusly:

 

A chap just rode past me on a tractor shouting "It's the end of the world!"...

Edited March 19, 2020 by 6Foot2

[korifugi]

When I read that, before I reached the punchline, I had already inserted three words thusly:

 

...