[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[robyholmes]

And today's submission

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]62928[/ATTACH]

 

 

too much???

He had a slightly larger stick but that only took a minute.

[Jawloms]

Just seen on Dave;

 

Time flies when you're having fun.

Measure spiders when you're not.

[GiggleKitteh]

Time flies when you're having fun.

Fruit flies like a Banana

[elsiegee40]

 

https://www.facebook.com/219441502975/posts/10159282075402976/?d=n

[mikeprice]

A guy is sitting behind the widow at a funeral. After the eulogy he says to her, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

 

The widow says, “By all means.”

 

The guy stands up, says, “Plethora,” and sits down again.

 

The widow says, “Thanks. That meant a lot.”

[mikeprice]

There had been a major shock in Swedish politics

 

The Chairman of IKEA has been appointed as Prime Minister

 

 

 

More news will be announced as soon as he has finished assembling his cabinet

[korifugi]

A quick question to all the mind readers in here...

[ICTDirect_Dave]

A quick question to all the mind readers in here...

 

Don't be silly! You'd never hide the bodies well enough!

[ICTDirect_Dave]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway Airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question. Gently tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and drove up over the curb stopping just short of a large window.

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me!"

The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder could scare someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years!"

[Norphy]

Simulation of monkey pressing button

 

Keep Reading

[mikeprice]

Simulation of monkey pressing button

 

Keep Reading

 

NO!!!!!

[6Foot2]

Link: https://twitter.com/hardylan/status/1440997313477058561

 

[mikeprice]

Link: https://twitter.com/hardylan/status/1440997313477058561

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]63149[/ATTACH]

 

Have you seen me playing golf???

 

I would be better eating a chip - I'm good at that

[6Foot2]

Link:

 

[GrumbleDook]

What a day!

Van broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly he said, “Hello, madam. You are a beautiful lady and very nicely dressed, too."

I realised the problem straight away.

Bat flattery.

[6Foot2]

Link: https://twitter.com/NoContextBrits/status/1434624747007000577

 

[mikeprice]

I had to set up a new password the other day.

I set it as "beefstew"

It wasn't accepted.

 

Because it wasn't stroganoff.

[smurfomatic]

Set up new password

"chicken"

Must contain a capital

"chicken kiev"

[korifugi]

Most of the Spice Girls can't get fuel.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...but Geri can.

[elsiegee40]

 

From a local (closed) Facebook group

[mikeprice]

This renaming of countries is getting too much for me

 

Bought a new TV today and is says "Built in Antenna"

 

where on Earth is that???

[6Foot2]

This renaming of countries is getting too much for me

 

Bought a new TV today and is says "Built in Antenna"

 

where on Earth is that???

 

The Antarctic!

 

 

[mikeprice]

The Antarctic!

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]63204[/ATTACH]

 

 

mutter mutter mutter

 

 

 

 

bringing facts into a perfectly good joke!!!

[Ditto]

The Antarctic!

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]63204[/ATTACH]

 

 

Perfecto!!! Better than the joke itself - there should be a word for such a thing - if there is already, I'm sure you'll be letting us know

[mikeprice]

Perfecto!!! Better than the joke itself - there should be a word for such a thing - if there is already, I'm sure you'll be letting us know

 

I thought of a few words for him when I saw that!!!