[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

I'm bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

 

So far, it's been 7 owls and 15 jays.

[smurfomatic]

A Scottish friend of mine is skiving for seven days due to a minor breathing problem.

 

He's got a week off for a wee cough.

[6Foot2]

Found this, but wasn't sure where to post it:

 

 

[mdrabble]

This popped up on my FB memories

 

Want to make ££££ with you computer?

 

Hold shift and press number 3

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Picture Tweet]

 

 

[smurfomatic]

I like my black cherry conserve as I like my women...

 

[mikeprice]

I like my black cherry conserve as I like my women...

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]62690[/ATTACH]

 

One out of 2 ain't too bad???

[6Foot2]

Link:

[Picture Tweet]

 

HANDS...... TOUCHING HANDS

REACHING OUT

TOUCHING MEEEEEEEE

TOUCHING YOUUUUUUU/QUOTE]

 

[mikeprice]

I decided to trace my pet frog's ancestry.

 

 

Turns out he’s part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

 

 

 

 

Is this allowed here???

 

asking for a frined

[mikeprice]

I know it's along way to Japan, but over a year to stream the 2020 Olympics videos back... their WiFi must be rubbish.

[mikeprice]

And also

 

 

 

 

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus.

The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his banana and waits till he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.

When the smoke clears the man is still alive.

The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets.

Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on.

A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his green banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.

The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses.

Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them.

He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time.

The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?"

asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man,

"Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?"

The executioner hands over his green banana and the man eats it all, skin included.

The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair.

When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner,

"I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?".

He stroked his chin.

"It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

 

 

"Nah," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."

[Ditto]

Shockingly good - perhaps too good for Dad's joke thread?!

[mikeprice]

Shockingly good - perhaps too good for Dad's joke thread?!

 

Are you perhaps suggesting that I should have posted it on a thread where it was not exactly related to the topic of the thread?????

 

could this be seen - by 'some people' as incitement to thread derailment???

 

are you - by any chance - suggesting that this is the sort of thing I would do????

 

 

 

 

you could, of course, copy it and paste it somewhere else yourself!!

 

[mikeprice]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

Long

 

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

 

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

 

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

 

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

 

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

 

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

 

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

 

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

 

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

 

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

 

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

 

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

 

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .

 

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[mikeprice]

 

one or two I have seen have been this bad actually!

[mikeprice]

We have 2 pets

 

A Labrador called Rolex

and a Dachshund called Brightling

 

 

They are watchdogs

[mikeprice]

A welsh farmer is checking on his animals so goes off to the fields with his sheep dog

 

The sheep are a bit scattered out so he asks his dog to go out and count them for him - just to check none have gone missing

 

The dog - a Wlesh collie which are very intelligent - runs off and checks every part of the field

 

then comes back to the farmer

 

the farmer ask him how many he found

 

'40' said the dog (I said Welsh collies were intelligent)

 

'What' said the farmer - 'that can't be right I only bought 38!!"

 

the dog look at him and said

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I rounded them up"

[mikeprice]

My Best friend used to work for the local counsel as a Road Worker

 

He was accused of stealing from work

 

I just couldn't believe he would do something like that

 

but when I went round to see him all the signs were there

[ICTDirect_Dave]

At this point I think the mods should rename the thread to "mikeprice's dad jokes thread"

[mdrabble]

Must admit I'm quite enjoying these jokes at the moment

[mikeprice]

Must admit I'm quite enjoying these jokes at the moment

 

See - someone likes them

 

 

just probably not the mods!!!

 

although they are probably happy they are here and I'm not derailing other threads!!!

[mikeprice]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death...

 

 

 

 

 

and again

 

 

Rang my wife this afternoon to see if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on the way home

 

she just muttered

 

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins

[mikeprice]

And another

 

My wife and I have taken up woodworking.

My mate said he didn't know we were carpenters.

I said "We've only just begun,"

[mikeprice]

And another

 

My wife and I have taken up woodworking.

My mate said he didn't know we were carpenters.

I said "We've only just begun,"

 

If anyone thinhs this is inappropriate or goes against forum guideline

then I should advise member that the correct reporting methid is not via the normal system

or direct PM to mods

 

 

 

 

 

but

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

calling occupants of interplanetary craft

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry

[mikeprice]

And today's submission

 

 

 

too much???