[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[korifugi]

Two of our Wi-fi engineers got married at the weekend.

Apparently, the reception was brilliant.

 

I don't know. It hasn't had much coverage.

 

I also heard the ring wasn't much more than a token, too.

[southhamster]

I also heard the ring wasn't much more than a token, too.

Yeah, the whole thing had to be terminated.

[6Foot2]

 

🌈

[Jawloms]

I built a model of Mount Everest. A friend asked me if it was to scale. Nope, it's to look at.

[6Foot2]

From now on, I'm only ordering hatchets from overseas.

 

It's their odour. I love those foreign axe scents.

[6Foot2]

[6Foot2]

.

[mikeprice]

I have a new pet

 

a termite - I have called him Clint

 

Very economic to keep

 

because

 

 

Clint Eats Wood!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

and as you have probably missed me while I was on holiday in Scotland

 

I have also trained my dog to fetch me a glass of red wine on command

 

it is a Bordeaux Collie

[mikeprice]

I've just finished writing a song about a sandwich.

Well, I say 'song', it's more of a wrap, really....

[FN-GM]

My massage therapist got fired...

 

I guess she rubbed too many people up the wrong way.

[mikeprice]

Just been up in the loft, spraying the mice with WD 40. It doesn't kill them, it just stops them squeaking.

[GrumbleDook]

A long one ....

 

The scene is the inside of the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade ... Some time after Deathly Hallows but before Cursed Child.

 

Madame Rosmerta is behind the bar, waving her wand around as she restocks ... and the door starts to open.

with a beaming smile, a slightly bedraggled wizard walks in, who apparently has been dragged through a hedge backwards ... possibly several times!

 

Afternoon Rosmerta. Sorry for tracking mud in, I’ve just been up discussing a few things with the centaurs in the Forbidden Forest.

The local muggles have started to treat it like normal woodland and have tried cutting down a few trees. I’d been sent up to get an idea of the damage that has been done. Imagine my surprise when I see a bunch of new trees, growing quite healthily. I asked the centaurs what had happened. Apparently, this always happens. If a tree gets cut down, a witch or wizard turns up the next day, cleans up the old trunk, pulls out a nut from a canvas knapsack they have slung over their shoulder, puts it in the ground, covers it up and then starts waving their wand about, singing a long and complicated spell. The next thing we know is that a tree starts sprouting up and grows very quickly until it looks like a 10-year-old tree. No idea why, but it has happened that way for centuries.

 

Now this has me completely confused, and I was determined to find out why. I’ve been sitting up there for a few days now and finally, a tree must have been cut down somewhere as a wizard turned up and started the strange ritual. Within minutes a small tree stood there. I leapt up and called after the wizard as he was leaving. It took a bit of fast talking but we eventually agreed to have a sit down and chat.

 

It turns out that when Hogwarts was being built the founders employed a legendary poacher as their gatekeeper and master of the grounds. He was the person that helped introduce so many magical animals to the Forbidden Forest and helped bring it into balance as well. However, he was quite vain and had a wonderfully full head of glossy hair, which was his pride and joy. Due to an argument with Salazar Slytherin, he had been cursed and every autumn, as the leaves fell in preparation for winter, so did some of his hair. Each year his hair became thinner and thinner until the last few strands were falling out of his head as he lay on his death bed, surrounded by his nearest and dearest, in the family cabin just at the edge of the forest.

 

With a final effort of will, he sat up in bed and looked out of the windows at the bright reds, yellows and gold of the autumn leaves.

“Look at my hair,” he said to his gathered kin, “It used to be magnificent but now it is completely gone.”

“My hair couldn’t be saved,” he went on, “but look outside at the forest. It truly is a magical and wonderful place, so full of trees and the life within those trees would not survive without such magnificent plants. However, sooner or later there will be someone who wants to cut them down, and then the forest will look as bald as my head.”

The family looked on, agreeing with him as many of his children had also become carers of nature.

“What I want you to promise to do to is this. I have cast a spell across the whole forest which will alert you when a tree has been cut down or dies. When that happens you must take my knapsack and journey to the site of the destruction, take a seed from inside the bag, plant it next to the old trunk and sing the spell that is stitched into the cover of the knapsack. It will make the old trunk or dead tree become absorbed back into the forest floor. The nuts are magically created so that no matter which one you place down it will grow into the same species as the missing tree.”

His voice starting to fade, he lay back down with his head on the pillows.

“And this must be done by you, and then your children, and your children’s children and so on for years to come.” And so he closed his eyes one last time and breathed his last, with a smile on his face for the legacy he had created.

And true to the promise they made to their dearly departed head of family, they have been doing this task ever since then.

 

Rosmerta sits down on a bar stool … waiting … just waiting ….

 

And so the Forbidden Forest has remained as vast and lush as it is due to one man and his re-seeding heir-line.

[HarryMonkey]

Booooooo, geroff!

[DalekSec]

Went to the pub the other day and i say Van Gogh sat in the corner having a drink.

 

Asked him if he wanted he a pint, he said "No, i have one ere'"

[mikeprice]

A long one ....

 

The scene is the inside of the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade ... Some time after Deathly Hallows but before Cursed Child.

 

Madame Rosmerta is behind the bar, waving her wand around as she restocks ... and the door starts to open.

with a beaming smile, a slightly bedraggled wizard walks in, who apparently has been dragged through a hedge backwards ... possibly several times!

 

Afternoon Rosmerta. Sorry for tracking mud in, I’ve just been up discussing a few things with the centaurs in the Forbidden Forest.

The local muggles have started to treat it like normal woodland and have tried cutting down a few trees. I’d been sent up to get an idea of the damage that has been done. Imagine my surprise when I see a bunch of new trees, growing quite healthily. I asked the centaurs what had happened. Apparently, this always happens. If a tree gets cut down, a witch or wizard turns up the next day, cleans up the old trunk, pulls out a nut from a canvas knapsack they have slung over their shoulder, puts it in the ground, covers it up and then starts waving their wand about, singing a long and complicated spell. The next thing we know is that a tree starts sprouting up and grows very quickly until it looks like a 10-year-old tree. No idea why, but it has happened that way for centuries.

 

Now this has me completely confused, and I was determined to find out why. I’ve been sitting up there for a few days now and finally, a tree must have been cut down somewhere as a wizard turned up and started the strange ritual. Within minutes a small tree stood there. I leapt up and called after the wizard as he was leaving. It took a bit of fast talking but we eventually agreed to have a sit down and chat.

 

It turns out that when Hogwarts was being built the founders employed a legendary poacher as their gatekeeper and master of the grounds. He was the person that helped introduce so many magical animals to the Forbidden Forest and helped bring it into balance as well. However, he was quite vain and had a wonderfully full head of glossy hair, which was his pride and joy. Due to an argument with Salazar Slytherin, he had been cursed and every autumn, as the leaves fell in preparation for winter, so did some of his hair. Each year his hair became thinner and thinner until the last few strands were falling out of his head as he lay on his death bed, surrounded by his nearest and dearest, in the family cabin just at the edge of the forest.

 

With a final effort of will, he sat up in bed and looked out of the windows at the bright reds, yellows and gold of the autumn leaves.

“Look at my hair,” he said to his gathered kin, “It used to be magnificent but now it is completely gone.”

“My hair couldn’t be saved,” he went on, “but look outside at the forest. It truly is a magical and wonderful place, so full of trees and the life within those trees would not survive without such magnificent plants. However, sooner or later there will be someone who wants to cut them down, and then the forest will look as bald as my head.”

The family looked on, agreeing with him as many of his children had also become carers of nature.

“What I want you to promise to do to is this. I have cast a spell across the whole forest which will alert you when a tree has been cut down or dies. When that happens you must take my knapsack and journey to the site of the destruction, take a seed from inside the bag, plant it next to the old trunk and sing the spell that is stitched into the cover of the knapsack. It will make the old trunk or dead tree become absorbed back into the forest floor. The nuts are magically created so that no matter which one you place down it will grow into the same species as the missing tree.”

His voice starting to fade, he lay back down with his head on the pillows.

“And this must be done by you, and then your children, and your children’s children and so on for years to come.” And so he closed his eyes one last time and breathed his last, with a smile on his face for the legacy he had created.

And true to the promise they made to their dearly departed head of family, they have been doing this task ever since then.

 

Rosmerta sits down on a bar stool … waiting … just waiting ….

 

And so the Forbidden Forest has remained as vast and lush as it is due to one man and his re-seeding heir-line.

 

 

 

 

That has to be going too far

 

:ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban:

 

 

Where is a decent mod when you need one!!!!

[mikeprice]

I just took a poll, and 100% of people were quite annoyed when their tent fell down...

[6Foot2]

I just took a poll, and 100% of people were quite annoyed when their tent fell down...

 

Their anger was in tents!

[dcwhitworth]

I just took a poll, and 100% of people were quite annoyed when their tent fell down...

 

Did you canvas their opinion ?

[HarryMonkey]

 

. . . .

[mikeprice]

Did you canvas their opinion ?

 

Just asked a few guys

 

I thing one of them might have been a pole

[smurfomatic]

May the 4th be with you

[Norphy]

[mikeprice]

I was thinking about going down to London today to wave at the King

 

however I was frightened of the large crowds and noise

 

 

does this make me a Coronation Chicken???

[6Foot2]

Talking of being scared, I was in the bath reading a ghost story, when I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder.

[mikeprice]

I have to say Frank Sinatra’s Bird Sanctuary was a massive disappointment. No flamingos, no pelicans, not even any toucans.

 

Egrets?

He had a few