[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[dcwhitworth]

Due to an unforseen spacing error, we're now looking forward to a summer holiday on the Norfolk B roads.

 

We have some very nice B Roads, they can take you to lots of places you won't pronounce correctly.

[6Foot2]

Due to an unforseen spacing error, we're now looking forward to a summer holiday on the Norfolk B roads.

 

Really?

 

I couldn't kern less!

[6Foot2]

.

[mikeprice]

We have some very nice B Roads, they can take you to lots of places you won't pronounce correctly.

 

pronounce - I probably wouldn't even spell them right!

[6Foot2]

Link: https://twitter.com/logosaetos/status/1484071243481423874 [Picture Tweet]

 

I put these on, I try to walk away but I stumble.

 

[dcwhitworth]

Link: https://twitter.com/logosaetos/status/1484071243481423874 [Picture Tweet]

 

 

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]64285[/ATTACH]

 

Is she a sole singer ?

[6Foot2]

 

NOTE: Includes Paid Promotion

[sjatkn]

Q. Who is the patron saint of emails?

 

A. St. Francis of a-CC

 

 

 

 

Courtesy of Dr Mom on Twitter.

 

[mikeprice]

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi Do.

[Ditto]

As promised earlier in the thread, I promised to post from my Xmas present which is a deck of Dad joke cards. The first one selected from the opening 10 is (drum roll please!)

 

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

The flag's a big plus.

 

When I selected this one from 12yo son, he knew already, so at his request here's a bonus one he said I should post.

 

Did you hear about the man who misspelled a name on a headstone?

He made a grave mistake.

[FN-GM]

What word starts with E, ends with E and only has 1 letter in it?

 

Envelope

[6Foot2]

I’m making a documentary series on how to fly a plane.

 

I've started by filming the pilot.

[hardtailstar]

Ebay is useless, I searched for lighters but they showed me 13,749 matches.....

[6Foot2]

My friend told me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.

 

I said: "Did ya redo it?”

[6Foot2]

When he was a baby, a friend's parents would bathe him in cheap Australian lager.

 

After he turned 18 he realised, that he'd been Fostered.

[Ditto]

The future of Dad jokes is in good hands. My two boys came home with these today.

 

Why did the jelly-baby go to school?

To become a smartie.

 

... and my new favourite

 

I just learnt today that I'm colour-blind - that come out of the purple.

[mikeprice]

The other day this fella came into the hotel and asked to see the manager. When the manager came to reception, the story began.

 

Guest: "Is room 139 empty?"

Manager: "Yes, sir."

Guest: "Can I book it?"

Manager: "Of course you can."

Guest: "Thank you."

 

Before going to the room, the guest asked the manager to provide him with a black knife, a white thread of exactly 39 centimetres in length and an orange weighing exactly 73 grams.

 

The manager agreed though he was surprised at the weird things the guest asked to have.

 

The guest went into his room and didn't ask for food or anything else.

 

Unfortunately for the manager, his room was next to room 139.

 

After midnight, the manager heard strange voices and noise in that guest's room. The sounds of wild animals and utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.

 

The manager didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.

 

In the morning, when the guest handed the keys back to reception, the manager asked to see the room first.

 

He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.

 

The guest paid the bill and gave the porter a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.

 

The manager was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the staff. In fact, he started to doubt himself.

 

A year later, the guest showed up again. He asked to see the manager again.

 

The guest asked the same things: room 139, a black knife, a white thread of exactly 39 centimetres in length and an orange weighing exactly 73 grams.

 

This time, the manager wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.

 

Again, before leaving, the guest paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the porter. The smile didn't leave his face.

 

The manager started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 139? Why the white thread?? Why the black knife??? In fact, the manager didn't arrive to any convincing answer to any of these questions.

 

The manager now was eagerly awaiting the arrival of the month of March, the month in which the guest showed up.

 

True to form, on the first day of March the same guest showed up. He asked the same questions, wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.

 

The manager again heard the same noises, this time louder again than before.

 

In the morning when the guest was leaving the hotel, the manager apologised profusely to the guest and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.

 

''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''

''I promise I will never let anyone know''.

"Swear?''

''I swear I won't reveal your secret''

 

Finally, the guest revealed his secret to the hotel manager.

 

The manager is a sincere, trustworthy person and until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone...

 

When he does, I'll let you know.

[neonetman]

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel..... but you didn't like it!

[mikeprice]

Satan: Aaaand this is the lake of lava where you'll be spending eternity.

Me: Actually, because we're underground, it's magma not lava.

Satan: You do know that's why you're here, right?

 

 

 

Thought this belonged here

[Ditto]

I was going to tell you a joke about time travel..... but you didn't like it!

 

Ermmm - this was deliberate right?!

 

http://www.edugeek.net/forums/jokes-interweb-things/167807-dad-jokes-thread-30.html#post1881192

 

I mean, we're not exactly traveling across the centuries here are we? The best bit is @mikeprice giving thanks to his time travelled joke

[Jawloms]

Ermmm - this was deliberate right?!

 

http://www.edugeek.net/forums/jokes-interweb-things/167807-dad-jokes-thread-30.html#post1881192

 

I mean, we're not exactly traveling across the centuries here are we? The best bit is @mikeprice giving thanks to his time travelled joke

 

But if they are time travelers, how will we ever really know which one posted it first?

[6Foot2]

NOTE: Not a political post: No political replies are expected, nor are they invited.

 

Link: Boris Johnson: I want to be Prime Minister until 2029

 

So, he wants to go at 8:30 this evening?

 

H/T: 5Foot2 (does that make it a Mum Joke?)

 

[mikeprice]

Ermmm - this was deliberate right?!

 

http://www.edugeek.net/forums/jokes-interweb-things/167807-dad-jokes-thread-30.html#post1881192

 

I mean, we're not exactly traveling across the centuries here are we? The best bit is @mikeprice giving thanks to his time travelled joke

 

well the other one wasn't there when I thanked it!!!!

 

 

[mikeprice]

Had to change my password for a web site today

 

 

I tried to change it to 'chicken; - but the system said it had to include a capital

 

but apparently 'chicken kiev' also doesn't work

[sjatkn]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Midway Airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question. Gently tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus and drove up over the curb stopping just short of a large window.

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said, "Are you okay? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me!"

The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder could scare someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years!"

 

Whilst looking for some great (bad!) jokes to cheer up (annoy) my daughter who is isolating with COVID I came across this. I remembered seeing this sign on a garage door in Aberystwyth. I do hope the didn't mix up the cars!

 

 

And for the sceptical:

https://www.google.co.uk/maps/@52.4131207,-4.0836251,3a,90y,84.35h,78.23t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1ssXtnLbbneFBPwz5vBfWUxw!2e0!7i16384!8i8192