Tips to (not) get the most out of your IT department

[sidewinder]

Im sure this has been posted before probably, but it is funny

 

 

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life,and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

 

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

 

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

 

4. When you call the I.T. Support, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

 

6. When I.T. support sends you an Email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

 

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

 

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

 

9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

 

10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

 

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

 

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

 

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

 

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

 

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

 

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

 

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

 

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

 

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/NT/ network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

 

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

 

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.

 

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

 

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

 

24. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

 

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

 

26. When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

 

27. When an I.T. person gets in the lift pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

 

28. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out 200 miles away like to keep abreast of what's going on.

 

29. When you bump into an I.T. person at the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

[el8linuxel8]

Amazing.

[sharkster]

Very Good

[bandgeekmafia78]

I think #21. is very appropriate in my school!!

[ZeroHour]

I want to put that up in our staff room so badly.....

[Halfmad]

I think #21. is very appropriate in my school!!

 

Yup instant I read:

 

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.

 

 

I thought "good god that happens here far too often!!"

[Halfmad]

I'll continue it for schools...

 

30. Don't use e-mail or that new easy to use electronic mail form thats on the screen the instant you open internet explorer, we prefer to find random bits of paper with vague details on them shoved under our doors. Alternatively stop us in the corridor and say one the immortal phrases "Whilst your here" or "whilst I remember.."

 

Heck if you can't remember then I won't and whilst I'm here? were you going to wait until I left to talk to me? neat trick.

 

 

31. Keep using your projector, that garbled warning message about temperature and lamp life isn't for you, it must have been that last powerpoint that someone else displayed and now it's stuck in the projectors memory.

 

32. Save those documents to your desktop, it saves space on the server and means we don't wear out the backup tapes as quickly.

 

33. Save the school money by bringing in your nephews old 60Mhz pentium that he stopped using when he went to university in 1996, we can always do with a new door stop.

 

anyone got more?

[tomscaper]

I want to put that up in our staff room so badly.....

 

Yeah me too, i would love to put it up anonomously but they would know it was me. Not like it could be anyone else.

[Halfmad]

I could put it up in mine when I leave on friday..

[tomscaper]

I could put it up in mine when I leave on friday..

 

You definately have to put it up, give it a title something like "tips for staff when new technicial takes over."

[paul]

I have just put it up

[tech_guy]

We've got that printed on an A3 sheet up in our Server Room already (without the americanisms) - and for some reason the staff don't like it ;-)

[pete]

We have this http://www.contrib.andrew.cmu.edu/~moose/sysadmin/pricelist.html

with the appropriate currency up in our office, courtesy of the monastery.

[Pete10141748]

more for the list;

 

34. Computers are just like people. Give them coffee, and they’ll speed up.

 

35. Technicians love walking around needlessly, and nothing excites us more than when you walk to our office and ask us to walk back to your own classroom to fix a problem with your portable laptop.

 

36. Of course, being technicians we are able to fix any mechanical, electrical or physical problem with anything in the school.

 

37. We love it when we are referred to as “that it guy” or “the computer people”, and would ask that no-one even bother to learn and use our names ever again.

 

38. Despite the consuming amount of time and effort we put in to keeping the hundreds of PCs, laptops, printers, photocopiers, network and software packages running smoothly for you to use as you like, we are (of course) primarily here to remove 35 paper jams a day, and are delighted that you do not know the difference (and can’t choose between) A4 and A3.

 

39. When representatives of a company come for an important meeting, it’s no bother for us to come and help you teach your lesson instead of meeting with them.

 

40. We deeply appreciate being able to have all four walls of our office within reaching distance when sat down, as we have lots of space to hang up the wonderful amounts of hand-written, scrawled notes that you leave for us.

 

 

 

Pete

[Guest Guest]

we are (of course) primarily here to remove 35 paper jams a day, and are delighted that you do not know the difference (and can’t choose between) A4 and A3.

 

 

I quite often get "can i put card/cloth in this laser printer?", and then after my reply of "no, it will break it", a disbelieving "but it worked in so and so's printer"

 

No.1 Why ask the question if you aint gunna accept the answer. And no.2 do you not think its abit of a coinsidence that none of the printers you have used will feed paper anymore!

[sidewinder]

32. Save those documents to your desktop, it saves space on the server and means we don't wear out the backup tapes as quickly.

 

 

I would also love to put the list up in the staff room but again it would be obvious who did it

 

Definately gonna put it up in our office though

[john]

32. Save those documents to your desktop, it saves space on the server and means we don't wear out the backup tapes as quickly.

 

 

I would also love to put the list up in the staff room but again it would be obvious who did it

 

Definately gonna put it up in our office though

you missed the compulsary it also means that backups will take faaaaar less time

[K.C.Leblanc]

we are (of course) primarily here to remove 35 paper jams a day, and are delighted that you do not know the difference (and can’t choose between) A4 and A3.

 

 

I quite often get "can i put card/cloth in this laser printer?", and then after my reply of "no, it will break it", a disbelieving "but it worked in so and so's printer"

 

No.1 Why ask the question if you aint gunna accept the answer. And no.2 do you not think its abit of a coinsidence that none of the printers you have used will feed paper anymore!

 

Gahhhh, we did actualy have some rocket scientist put inkjet photopaper in a colour laser printer. Very messy.

[Lee_K_81]

41. Call us any time of the day or night. We're geeks and therefore dont require a social life. We're always at a computer, and can access your home wireless, and configure your ISP settings remotely. If we do happen to be away from a computer, we can visualise whatever random software package your using and talk you through it. Also please feel free to pass our details on to your great aunt, cousin, neighbour or that random guy in the pub who sits muttering in to his beer. We have no friends of our own, and would love to chat to them while we sort out their PC for free.

 

42. Got a powercut and need to use your PC? Let us know, there a secret battery backup that will power your PC, your internet connection and the entire infrastucture of your street if needed, and we've got the password!

 

43. When we're sitting looking puzzled at a PC we're not busy we're probably playing freecell, just ask us whatever you need to.

 

44. If there's a major problem that has taken out the entire network, and we're frantically trying to find the cause, keep phoning us and asking how long it will take to fix. The interruptions will help focus us and your constant calls telling us that you need to send an urgent birthday email to your aunt dorris will make us go faster.

[Halfmad]

45. Nag us constantly about that inkjet printer jam, we're not capable of remembering or prioritising workload so it helps to have someone on our backs 24/7. Remind us twice as often if it's something that you probably could do yourself, have done in the past or simply can't be bothered doing.

[plock]

@ Lee_K_81 - #41 that’s so true! I often get calls from random folk trying to get some free support!

[Lee_K_81]

@ Lee_K_81 - #41 that’s so true! I often get calls from random folk trying to get some free support!

 

My home telephone number is actually in the yellow pages as a computer shop - waste of advertising putting wrong number in. I often get phonecalls for them. Sooooo tempted at time to say yes it is, do you want me to collect and deliver back, and then charge loads!

[sidewinder]

Following on from 42

 

46. If there is no power to your PC, don't bother checking any other electrical devices whatsoever and calling the caretaker, call IT straight away.

 

47. And then when we come down and inform you theres no power, sigh and tut at the fact we dont know the location of every fusebox and trip switch, despite us not having anything to do with the electrics

[katem]

45. Nag us constantly about that inkjet printer jam, we're not capable of remembering or prioritising workload so it helps to have someone on our backs 24/7. Remind us twice as often if it's something that you probably could do yourself, have done in the past or simply can't be bothered doing.

 

Very appropriate for where I work too... paper jams are the worst culprits, so difficult to check the paper try isn't it

 

This one from Halfmad too is the best though!

33. Save the school money by bringing in your nephews old 60Mhz pentium that he stopped using when he went to university in 1996, we can always do with a new door stop.

[plock]

My home telephone number is actually in the yellow pages as a computer shop - waste of advertising putting wrong number in. I often get phonecalls for them. Sooooo tempted at time to say yes it is, do you want me to collect and deliver back, and then charge loads!

 

hehe - I think you should, you could make yourself a tidy little packet!

 

Following on from 'sidewinder' #23 - Don't tell us the Make or Model of the printer because we can remember all 10 makes and models and where they're located on site.