[joke] Friday Joke

[Fatmas]

I started reading this book about anti-gravity, I can’t put it down.

[frosty]

Groan...

[Gatt]

-1 Rep

[Fatmas]

I thought bad jokes made a Friday

 

Here is a more appropriate "anti" joke:

 

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

[tech_guy]

A Farmer - an example of a man outstanding in his field....

[capncrunch]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[JJonas]

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the rear end."

[pooley]

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?":getmecoat:

[Gatt]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"

 

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

 

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Jawloms]

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon. “Hey Pepe”, says the first man. “Ees a bacon tree, we’re saved!” Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets. “What happened?” shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts “Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush.”

[Fatmas]

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

It's this really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...

[LiamH]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[LeMarchand]

Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, has spent the day riding from village to village raping and pillaging.

 

As night begins to fall he leaps on his horse and whirls Mjolnir, his mighty war hammer, about his head and cries, "I AM THOR!!!"

 

His horse replies, "Well, you thould uthe a thadlle, thilly."

[Iain.Faulkner]

Have I told you all the one about the Magic Tractor....?

 

It turned into a field

[tech_guy]

What's the difference between a deer lying dead in the road and David Cameron lying dead in the road? There's skid marks in front of the deer.....

[K.C.Leblanc]

What's brown and sticky.

 

 

 

A stick.

[capncrunch]

A man wakes up on a desert island, as he slowly comes round and looks at his surroundings he quickly realises that he is alone and that everything looks the same…

Everywhere he goes and everything he sees on the island has this same red-ish colour, the trees, the sand, the sea all in this same brown sort of colour. And as he explores more even the birds and the insects are sporting this strange hue. As he slowly meanders across the islands shore he notices his feet are now turning this same off red colour and it is spreading! up past his ankles, shins, even his knees and it not stopping. And he cries out in Anguish

 

“OH NO, I’M MAROONED!”

[tech_guy]

What's green and sings at the bottom of the garden?

 

Elvis Parsley....

[frosty]

What's the difference between a deer lying dead in the road and David Cameron lying dead in the road? There's skid marks in front of the deer.....

 

Oh Dear....boom ching!

[webman]

Did I tell you about my easiest job? Working in the returns department at the boomerang factory.

[bladedanny]

A rabbit walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and some toasties. The barman asks what sort of toasties the rabbit wants. The rabbit decides on one cheese and tomato, one tuna mayo and one bacon and egg toastie. The toasties arrive and the rabbit munches through them quickly.

 

About ten minutes later the rabbit turns pale, keels over and dies.

 

The barman buries the rabbit in a small grave in the beer garden after the pub has closed. As the barman returns to the bar to clear up the ghost of the rabbit appears and thanks the barman for the lager, toasties and grave. The barman asks the rabbit why it died. "Mixinmetoasties" says the rabbit.

[Disease]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the English Channel?

 

Bob

 

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims the English Channel?

 

Clever Dick

[Dos_Box]

A Chinese man on holiday in France thought he saw another Chinese gentleman in the hotel lobby. But he was Wong. Edited October 22, 2010 by Dos_Box

[rolfea]

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

a carrot!

 

(btw, are blonde jokes inappropriate or offensive here?)

[witch]

An atom runs into a bar shouting 'I've lost an electron!'

The barmans says: " Are you sure?"

 

"I'm positive!"