[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[Norphy]

I tip my hat to you, sir!

[Garacesh]

Mrs Ditto just toasted a tea cake. As the lovely waft of toasted tea cakes filled the room, I brought the kids home from school.

 

Younger son decides to pop a tea cake in the toaster too, and then boom! Al electrics go. RCD and RCBO trip.

 

I reset the toaster and we re-tried. RCD only tripped this time. So, I decided to unplug and check the toaster out. On investigation I could see debris in the bottom of the toaster. I highlighted the issue to the younger son - "Ah, that burnt raisin is the problem". So of course, I said "No, it's a dodgy currant". Smirking from the older son who says "Actually that's quite good!". After that perfect pause from the younger son, I then get the massive roll-eyes and look of despair at me.

 

I'm sure many of you understand the pure joy I get from such moments

 

Despite my overwhelming aversion to the idea of procreating, this right here is peak. Absolutely what we should all aspire to, well played!

[HarryMonkey]

. . . . .

[6Foot2]

Link:

 

[6Foot2]

A dyslexic Yorkshireman bought himself a cat flap.

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The wife suggested we spice things up a bit and play doctors and nurses. So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 48 hours.

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No man is an island. Except Barry!

[6Foot2]

Link:

 

[6Foot2]

Link:

 

[6Foot2]

 

"4Kandles"

 

[6Foot2]

Link:

 

 

Taller than me, then!

 

[6Foot2]

"Look over there! There are Papio kindae"

 

"What's that?"

 

"Just some Kinda baboons."

 

Link: Kinda baboon - Wikipedia

 

[HarryMonkey]

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

 

Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it's a girl ant. If it floats it's buoyant.

[6Foot2]

Link: xkcd: KM3NeT

 

 

Hover text: "Unfortunately, KM3NeT led to the discovery of the Pauli anglerfish, which emits Cherenkov radiation to prey on neutrino researchers."

[HarryMonkey]

I've only been working at the bicycle factory for two weeks and they've already made me the spokes person.

[Ditto]

I've only been working at the bicycle factory for two weeks and they've already made me the spokes person.

 

That's a pretty senior role with a lot of responsibility after such a short time. I think you've been framed!

[HarryMonkey]

That's a pretty senior role with a lot of responsibility after such a short time. I think you've been framed!

 

But it was me that set the wheels in motion.

[korifugi]

But it was me that set the wheels in motion.

 

Is the work not quite tireing?

[6Foot2]

 

Chaos!

[6Foot2]

Q: What would you call pictures of my enemies' halluces?

 

A: Photos!

[HarryMonkey]

I got thrown out of my local park for arranging all the squirrels by height. They didn't like me critter sizing.

 

[andyace]

What do call an ant that has been asleep for ages?

 

Dormant

 

- - - Updated - - -

 

What do you call an ant that hangs around your neck?

[6Foot2]

 

🥴

[jmak]

 

What do you call an ant that hangs around your neck?

 

Dear Andy

 

I've never met an ant that hangs around your neck. I do know some that hang from chains that could go round someone's neck.

 

Best wishes

 

Ped

[6Foot2]

To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

 

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

[6Foot2]

... What do you call an ant that hangs around your neck?

 

A pendant.

[Ditto]

What do you call and 8 legged ant?

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A spider.