Help - Need chat responses for an automated technician bot...

[spadam]

Hi Everyone,

 

After 8 years at my current school and prompted by recent events which I would rather not go into, I have finally decided that it is time to move on. I plan to spend most of next week looking and applying for new jobs (probably not in education).

 

As I think it is very unlikely that the school will get around to replacing me within my notice period I plan to write a basic chatbot technician app which I can share with staff when I leave to help fill the void until I am replaced. Obviously this will just be a joke I have neither the skill or the time to write anything that could actually be any real use to anyone.

 

I am after any suggestions you have for stock responses to questions that might be asked of the bot - either potentially helpful or simply humorous... If I have time before I leave I might try to get the bot to select responses based on keywords in the question but chances are it will just spew random answers to whatever is asked of it.

 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions...

[TechMonkey]

Surely "Have you tried turning it off and back on again" is the only response needed.

[X-13]

I am after any suggestions you have for stock responses to questions that might be asked of the bot - either potentially helpful or simply humorous...

 

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

[spadam]

Already on the list guys but thanks... Just want it to have enough to make it entertaining for a couple of minutes....

[X-13]

Already on the list guys but thanks... Just want it to have enough to make it entertaining for a couple of minutes....

 

If you can hook up an RNG to the bot, get it to tell people they're currently [really long number] in the queue.

 

Oh, Rick Astley hold music!

Edited February 10, 2015 by X-13

[arwen]

"Is it plugged in correctly?"

 

"Ask a knowledgeable pupil for help"

 

"It is an Apple product, I thought it "just worked" and that is why you wanted it so badly"

 

"Use it for a door stopper instead?"

[3s-gtech]

"Have you tried inserting the USB stick the other way up?"

"The optical disc drive tray is not a cup holder"

"Youtube doesn't work if your speakers aren't plugged in"

"Yes, your version of SMART Ink messes up IE"

"No, you can't have unfiltered access to the internet"

"No, I'm not installing JRE so that you can use some godawful relic piece of software"

"No, we don't supply iPads to all staff"

"No, I'm not fixing your personal laptop that your toddler poured a Fruit Shoot into"

"Your memory stick appears to be filled with warez, inappropriate images and an installer for Adobe Reader 6"

"Your husband's input on tech support issues is much appreciated! Here's an email address for him to send any more ideas to: [email protected]"

"I'm sure you didn't see the students rearranging the keys on their keyboards. Don't worry though, I won't see you putting them back where they're supposed to be. Now get on it, and watch your class instead of Youtube. I can see you doing that"

"Unmute your speakers"

"Our email system doesn't support attachments that are 3.2GB in size"

"You can clean your own keyboard, thanks. That's not my faeces, saliva, snot and Frazzles remnants on it"

"No, you can't have a new computer because you think this one's slow. I value your assessment of the standard of IT equipment just like you value my assessment of your teaching ability"

"Try turning the monitor on"

"Try turning the computer on"

"Don't lean things against your SMARTBoard"

"No, I won't let the kids play random Flash games 'as they've finished all their work'"

"You have dropped your laptop again, haven't you?"

 

It's been a long day!

[CAM]

I see you are trying to write a lesson plan, do you want help with that?

[Zoom7000]

I see you are trying to write a lesson plan, do you want help with that?

 

Just had to be done @CAM. Couldn't resist!

 

[eyetea]

Let me google that for you ?

[dry]

The button on the side, is it glowing?

[DalekSec]

I am serious, and don't call me Shirley

[LoyalHeretic]

"Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot? You see the drive hooks a function by patching the system core table so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread is about to jump in there and do its stuff. And you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory."

[fairm010]

Please for the love of god, share this if and when it's complete. It would be so funny (I mean useful) to have this running here.

[spadam]

Please for the love of god, share this if and when it's complete. It would be so funny (I mean useful) to have this running here.

 

I will do before I leave.... promise.

 

Thanks for all the ideas.. keep them coming guys.. Can't promise they'll all make the cut (I want to keep some friends here) but definitely some keepers in there...

[fairm010]

Have you named the bot? I shall name it Geoff.

[Meldrew]

Have you named the bot? I shall name it Geoff.

 

Our ticketing system here is called Norman. That would also be a good name for this.

 

To add to the list of answers:

Try removing all the paperwork/books/ringbinders off your keyboard.

Speakers work best when not plugged into the microphone socket.

Waiting until midnight does not mean that we can get the file you didn't save from the backup system.

 

Meldrew

[kennysarmy]

You want us to download 38 clips off YouTube, merge them together in to one video, with music and titles for an assembly in 10 minutes??? Er.....we're busy!

[witch]

Please refer to the instructions on the wall in front of you

 

Step away from the computer

 

RUN! She's gonna explode!

[elsiegee40]

I know it's wireless, but the mains plug still needs to be plugged into the wall to charge it

 

Your class seems to know your password better than you do.

[ButterflyMoon]

No just because the new software has a pretty picture on the case does not mean it is compatible with our system!

 

Ripping jammed paper out of a printer is a sure fire way for it not to work afterwards

 

Muttering, mumbling or asking rudely/aggressively will NOT get your email/user account reset

[gtg93]

Try sending the print job another 15 times, you never know, someone may put some paper in the tray for you, and who doesn't want 15 copies of whatever garbage you're printing.

 

or in simpler terms

 

Put some paper in the paper tray.

[elsiegee40]

Yes, a packet of chocolate hobnobs will escalate the priority of your problem

[kennysarmy]

Threatening to tell the Headteacher when you don't get your own way is a sure fire way to have any future support calls escalated to the bottom of the pile!

[Arreks]

You've reach iTechCare - a genius will be with you shortly after you pay the initial support fee of £500.00.