[joke] Friday Joke(s)

[Fatmas]

I Was Going To Write A Theatre Piece On Puns....

 

...but then I realized it would just be a play on words.

 

 

 

What did Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?

They both had Kurds in their way.

 

 

 

An engineer, a physicist and a statistician are in a hotel when a fire starts.

"Pour water on it!" Cries the engineer.

"No, remove the oxygen!" Says the physicist.

The statistician, seeing their disagreement, frantically runs round the hotel starting fires.

"What the hell are you doing?" the other two ask.

"Creating a decent sample size."

[6Foot2]

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a small horse?

 

Mascarpone!

 

[JJonas]

Did you hear about the new Divorce Barbie?

 

She comes with all of Kens stuff.

[fs171]

Why are pirates called pirates?

 

 

*Pirate voice* Because they arghhh! *Pirate voice*

[korifugi]

To Err is to be human,

to Arr is to be pirate,

to Ooh-Aar is to be farmer.

[teejay]

I've just installed a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm.

Instead of just beeping it goes:

Woooooooooohhhhhhoooooooooo, your house is on fire

[Gatt]

I've just installed a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm.

Instead of just beeping it goes:

Woooooooooohhhhhhoooooooooo, your house is on fire

 

Lol.. took me a moment to get it though

[teejay]

I've just written a musical, the story is that we are in a financial mess and we give all our money to another country.

 

It's called 'Greece'.

[tech_guy]

A definition of a farmer - a man outstanding in his field....

[tech_guy]

Why did the blonde die drinking milk?

 

The cow fell on her....

[LeMarchand]

I've just installed a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm.

Instead of just beeping it goes:

Woooooooooohhhhhhoooooooooo, your house is on fire

 

Passed that one on to Mme LeMarchand with a bit of customization (changed it to one of my schools). One of her co-workers wanted to know if I was serious - what if it was a bomb scare rather than a fire...

[laserblazer]

MY favourite French film is "AND". I think they called it ET over here.

 

I know! It was on Mock the Week last night.

[MK-2]

While these joke threads quite easily turn into a cut and paste from Mock the week or Sickipedia, I think some jokes may be best left over there....including this one

Edited July 1, 2011 by witch

[aerospacemango]

Just bought my ex-mother-in-law a pair of crotchless knickers for her birthday, so she can get a better grip on her broomstick

 

(is this one OK, MK-2?)

 

(This was just ripped from Twitter, so I can't be accused of nicking off sickipedia/MtW!!)

[MK-2]

 

(is this one OK, MK-2?)

 

 

i was merely saying that i thought this forum might not look too kindly on jokes about domestic violence, perhaps i'm wrong and we can all break out the racist jokes and jokes about having sex with underage kids too

[aerospacemango]

i was merely saying that i thought this forum might not look too kindly on jokes about domestic violence, perhaps i'm wrong and we can all break out the racist jokes and jokes about having sex with underage kids too

 

I did realise that, and I apologise that I didn't make that clearer.....Most of the blonde jokes are quite funny....

 

BUT, I don't think anyone would laugh at that one....unless it's Frankie Boyle.

 

I'd also like to rep you for your previous comment....but gotta spread it around a bit first!

 

Rep +1 from me

Edited July 1, 2011 by aerospacemango

[MK-2]

I did realise that, and I apologise that I didn't make that clearer.....Most of the blonde jokes are quite funny....

 

BUT, I don't think anyone would laugh at that one....unless it's Frankie Boyle.

 

I'd also like to rep you for your previous comment....but gotta spread it around a bit first!

 

Rep +1 from me

 

 

Oh so now I'm accepting Rep IOUs am I? What sort of half baked forum do you think this is......oh wait

[happymeal]

As I was walking around the school earlier, a bunch of kids started throwing chocolate eggs at me.

 

I'll be honest, I was Kinder Suprise'd...

[aerospacemango]

Oh so now I'm accepting Rep IOUs am I? What sort of half baked forum do you think this is......oh wait

 

It's not even an IOU!

 

I might forget in a few days, and you'll NEVER get it!!!

[Rawns]

Q What is the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A You only have to punch the information into a computer once.

 

Had me in a fit of giggles!!!

[Rawns]

A blond and a brunette both jump off a bridge at the same time. Which one hits the ground first?

 

The brunette as the blond had to stop and ask for directions.

[witch]

i was merely saying that i thought this forum might not look too kindly on jokes about domestic violence, perhaps i'm wrong and we can all break out the racist jokes and jokes about having sex with underage kids too

 

You are right - it doesn't. Or I don't anyway. But then what would I know - just a middle-aged dried-up old feminist hippy vegetarian tree hugger. Still, deleted it anyway. Let the cries of 'censorship' begin!

[laserblazer]

MY Mother in Law's arthriris has meant she has to give up her job. She can't throw the harpoon any more.

 

Pinched from Les Dawson.

[laserblazer]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

 

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

 

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

 

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

 

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

 

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

 

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.