[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

I've decided to try telling (dad) jokes in sign language.

 

That way, I can be confident no one's heard them before.

[mikeprice]

 

I would like to complain about the above notice

 

Are the seagulls based on Black Headed Gulls or Herring gulls???

 

or Kitiwakes?

[smurfomatic]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]71999[/ATTACH]

 

I would like to complain about the above notice

 

Are the seagulls based on Black Headed Gulls or Herring gulls???

 

or Kitiwakes?

 

Also, the Snickers bars - do they mean the standard size ones, the smaller ones in a multipack, or the little ones in a box of Celebrations?

[ICTDirect_Dave]

Also, the Snickers bars - do they mean the standard size ones, the smaller ones in a multipack, or the little ones in a box of Celebrations?

They're allowing for 50g bars based on that. Now the UK bar is 48g, but the Canadian bar is 52g, so maybe they've thoughtfully worked out the global average.

[smurfomatic]

Is that 50g including or excluding packaging though?

[6Foot2]

.

[smurfomatic]

Remember - violence is never the answer.

 

Unless the question is "what do you call a fence made out of violins?"

[Jawloms]

I need someone to chop a tree down in my garden. Anyone know a feller?

[mikeprice]

I'm a bit scared

 

I just went to the local cemetery - wasn't sure of the way so I used the SatNav

 

When I got there it said

"You have reached your final destination"

[SimplyJade]

Yesterday I accidentally got Ketchup in my eyes...

 

... Now I've got Heinzsight

[jmak]

Yesterday I accidentally got Ketchup in my eyes...

 

... Now I've got Heinzsight

That would make me see red

[mikeprice]

 

 

Do not try this at home

 

or in school

[mikeprice]

Just noticed that the Dad Jokes thread has reached page 100

 

 

This is a thing that should be celebrated!!!!

 

well done to all contributers - raining the standards (in my case probably not of spelling) since 2016 (first post)

[smurfomatic]

We had a conversation at work a few days ago about reasons you can get fired. I said I was once accused of gross misconduct, but after checking they could only find 143 counts of misconduct.

 

*(then I had to explain to one person what a "gross" was)

[Jawloms]

Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke

 

Feels appropriate.....

[6Foot2]

A friend has a flea circus.

 

He said started it from scratch.

 

- Vernon Kay, BBC Radio 2 this morning.

[tjbland]

Click here to make clicking sound

 

lol, got me good.

[mikeprice]

lol, got me good.

 

Yeee ha

 

 

Got another one

 

 

I note that the "usual suspects" on here are refusing to admit they tried it!!!!

 

 

P.S. if my memory is correct

 

that makes 2

in about 4 years!!!

[mikeprice]

We are off on holiday soon

 

we are going on a boat - just a small one - only 11 guests and 3 crew - going round the Scottish Isles

 

There are a couple of canoes on board but it will be getting colders

 

so we will have to be careful not to build a fire in the canoe

 

because

 

 

you can't have your Kayak and Heat it

[mikeprice]

 

......

[mikeprice]

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies to any Oasis fans

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and sympathy

[6Foot2]

 

Klimt Eastwood

 

Link: Klimt Eastwood – Tumblr

[HarryMonkey]

As I get older, I find I only need three shops ... Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

 

My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls.

Edited September 10, 2024 by HarryMonkey

[HarryMonkey]

 

. . .

[6Foot2]

Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when farmers talk to them. So, iIt's in one ear and out the udder.