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Dad Jokes

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gtg93

gtg93

Posted
Posted (edited)

I went to buy a watch today, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"

I said, "No, just a watch."

--

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood."

"I said, "Where is he?

--

Edited by gtg93
webman

webman

Posted
Posted

Postal staff working in dangerous areas wear chainmail.

 

I watched a man crawl out of a building, crying, covered in strands of wool. I thought, "he's been through the mill."

AJWhite1970

AJWhite1970

Posted
Posted

A monkey is sat in a bar drinking shots when the barman asks what is wrong.

"I've just lost my job" said the Monkey

"You're in luck" said the barman "there is a circus in the next town"

The monkey looked puzzled and asked "What would a circus want a chartered surveyor for"

Gatt

Gatt

Posted
Posted

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him

Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

...BUMP,

it goes.. ...BUMP..

...BUMP..

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..

Faster..

FASTER..

BUMP..

BUMP..

BUMP!

He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him..

However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP..

Clappity-BUMP..

Clappity-BUMP..

Hot on the heels of the terrified man..

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps..

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping towards him..

The man screams and reaches for something, anything...

but all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet.. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the coffin..

 

 

 

(wait for it...)

 

 

...the coffin stops!

HarryMonkey

HarryMonkey

Posted
Posted

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

sted

sted

Posted
Posted
What's Bob Marley's favourite donut?

Wi' Jammin.

 

on a related note

 

this printers got bob marley disease

it wont stop jammin

fiza

fiza

Posted
Posted

I heard this the other night on Mock the week. Made me laugh. Its a play on words so may not work when written down but here goes.

 

 

When women go to the toilet in pairs no one bats an eyelid

 

When I do it I get thrown out of the Grocery Store.

  • Thanks 1
abillybob

abillybob

Posted
Posted
I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said "Hi, How Are You?" Embaressed I said "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!" He said "Can I come Over?". Annoyed I said "Rather busy right now!" The voice said "Listen I'm going to have to call you back there's a weirdo answering all my questions".
sonofsanta

sonofsanta

Posted
Posted

ITT: lots of Tim Vine jokes. On which note...

 

A man passed me a wheel of cheese and asked if I could disguise his horse with it. I said, "I don't think so, but I could probably marscapone."

 

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a lorry full of terrapins on the M1 today. It was a turtle disaster.

 

What's grey and can't swim? A filing cabinet.

 

Two fish in a tank. One says "You drive, I'll get the gun."

 

Two monkeys in a bath. One says "ooh ooh aah aah!" The other says, "Well put some cold in then."

  • Thanks 1
fiza

fiza

Posted
Posted

Someone rang the doorbell

few minutes later my son came in saying "dad theres a man at the door with a bald head"

I said "tell him i'm not interested, i've already got one"

Norphy

Norphy

Posted
Posted
Years ago, I used to run LAN parties. It was a running joke that every time someone asked for a hand (to bring their computer in), they got a round of applause.
sonofsanta

sonofsanta

Posted
Posted
As I was getting into my car this bloke said to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster - go for it!"

 

Real life Dad joke: the car park barrier at Lincoln hospital has a sign on it saying "depress button for ticket". Every single time, much to the annoyance of my wife in the passenger seat, I will start telling it that it's a rubbish button, nobody likes it, it can't do its job properly...

DPrince

DPrince

Posted
Posted
Real life Dad joke: the car park barrier at Lincoln hospital has a sign on it saying "depress button for ticket". Every single time, much to the annoyance of my wife in the passenger seat, I will start telling it that it's a rubbish button, nobody likes it, it can't do its job properly...

 

A mate of mine used to chat up any door that had the word "Pull" on it.

Garacesh

Garacesh

Posted
Posted
Real life Dad joke: the car park barrier at Lincoln hospital has a sign on it saying "depress button for ticket". Every single time, much to the annoyance of my wife in the passenger seat, I will start telling it that it's a rubbish button, nobody likes it, it can't do its job properly...

 

You monster. :(

CESIL

CESIL

Posted
Posted

After a meal as I pick up the plates my wife often says "the dishwasher is filling up" and I just have to reply "I didn't know it is so emotional"

 

And at school if a pupil asks if they can go to the toilet I reply "yes but not here!"

 

And when my kids were small and they asked to get down from the table I would ask why they were on it in the first place.

 

In my defence I must say I got most of my Dad jokes from my Dad and growing up in the 70s watching the likes of Tommy Cooper.

DPrince

DPrince

Posted
Posted

Conversation with my wife:

 

Wife: "What was the name of that guy who created Frankenstein?"

Me: "Er... Frankenstein's Dad?"

Wife: "..... I meant the monster..."

Me: "Ahhhhh"

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