[joke] Dad Jokes

[Fleetwood]

Real life Dad joke: the car park barrier at Lincoln hospital has a sign on it saying "depress button for ticket". Every single time, much to the annoyance of my wife in the passenger seat, I will start telling it that it's a rubbish button, nobody likes it, it can't do its job properly...

 

Haha brilliant

[laserblazer]

A Bloke goes to doctor, complaining about his leg. "It keeps talking," he says.

Doctor tells him to take off his pants and lie on examination couch.

He then listens to man's thigh through the stethoscope.

Thigh says, "Lend us a tenner."

"Remarkable," says doctor, moving stethoscope down to knee.

"Lend us a fiver," says knee.

"Incredible," says doctor, moving stethoscope down to ankle.

"Lend us a couple of quid," says ankle.

"Amazing!" says doctor.

"What's wrong?" asks man.

"Your leg is broke in three places."

[jmak]

What do you call a deer that can't see?

 

 

No idea.....

 

What do you call a deer that can't see and has no legs?

 

 

Still no idea....

[jmak]

What do you call a dog with no ears?

 

Anything you like - it can't hear you....

[SiliconAlley_Sam]

How did the man drown in the muesli? He was pulled under by a very strong currant.

 

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

[bladedanny]

What's pink and fluffy?

 

Pink Fluff

 

What's green and fluffy?

 

Pink fluff feeling sea sick.

[muppet]

If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

 

I dreamed about drowning in an sea made out of orange fizzy pop last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

 

What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel.

 

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

 

And my current favourite..............

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

[tech_guy]

What is green, has 4 legs, 22 balls, and can kill you if it falls onto you out of a tree? A snooker table.

[Mcshammer_dj]

I bought an Alcoholic Ginger Beer last night.

 

He wasn't happy

[laserblazer]

What is green, has 4 legs, 22 balls, and can kill you if it falls onto you out of a tree? A snooker table.

 

How many legs?

 

[featured_spectre]

Ordered a cafe mocha at a McDs. The black "Barrista" asks me "you want the chocolate drizzle?"

I replied: "drizzle my nizzle" in the most white snoop dogg voice I could muster.

Barrista laughed. Mrs was embarrased and shrank. I then held my head high for the rest of the day.

[6Foot2]

Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth.

 

I went Crazy. No one treats me like a mug.

 

[themightymrp]

I just read that in the completely wrong way ;-)

[6Foot2]

I just read that in the completely wrong way ;-)

 

When my colleague here in the office started to tell it I thought it was going in another direction entirely. If it had I would not have been able to post it here!

[Zourous]

A guy just turned up at my door with a couple of rods, a tackle-box and some bait.

 

Don’t worry, I’m not stupid, I just ignored it, just a fishing attempt!

[mikeprice]

Apparently the Man Utd player are all getting special vouchers to give to their wives and girlfriends for a new luxury Bra

 

 

 

Because that is the only way they are getting their hands on any cups this year

 

 

sorry