laserblazer Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 We'll soon be pulling our crackers and telling terrible jokes, so I thought I'd start now. I'm getting a singing laptop for Christmas. It's a Dell.
Domino Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/a-dell-rolling-in-the-deep.jpg harf-narf
X-13 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 We'll soon be pulling our crackers and telling terrible jokes, so I thought I'd start now. I'm getting a singing laptop for Christmas. It's a Dell. Oh no! You drooped over the side of a boat! It's a dell, rolling in the deep. Le EDIT: bah, ninja'd
bandgeekmafia78 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Put a spanner in the works with a few 'baby in a blender' jokes. My nan loves them.
LeightonJames Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Nobody, and i mean nobody has the perfect bottom. After all, they all have a crack in them!!
HarryMonkey Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Recently, I was staying in a hotel where they were holding a massive chess tournament. I was in the lobby, and could hear lots of people talking about great they are, who they've beaten and how long they've been playing. You know, one thing I really hate is chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
teejay Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Q: What's the perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything? A: A broad spectrum antibiotic. Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers? A: Subordinate clauses Q: Did you ever hear of Adolph the brown-nosed reindeer? A: He could run as fast as Rudolf, he just couldn't stop as fast.
sparkeh Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 What do Eskimos sing when they get their Christmas Dinner? Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when...
tech_guy Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Things you can get away with saying to your Granny ..only at Christmas time: 1/ I prefer breasts to legs... 2/ Tying the legs together keeps it moist inside... 3/ If i don't undo my trousers I'll burst... 4/ Excellent spread... 5/ I'm in the mood for a little dark meat... 6/ Are you ready for seconds yet...? 7/ It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it...? 8/ Don't play with your meat... 9/ Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.... 10/ Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once...? 11/ I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time.... 12/ How long will it take after you put it in...? 13/ You'll know it's ready when it pops up.... 14/ Just pull the end and wait for the bang.... 15/ That's the biggest bird I've ever had.... 16/ I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.... 1
aerospacemango Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.... A bloke offered me 8 legs of venison, in the pub the other night...all I could think was "Is that too dear?" Edited December 17, 2012 by aerospacemango
Scifigirl Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Christmas Carols for the Disturbed 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells .... 1
6Foot2 Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Why is it advisable to own a David Bowie themed wallet? So that you always know where your ch-ch-change is. Well you asked for terrible jokes. Want more?
jinnantonnixx Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 (edited) I popped into the pub earlier. There was nobody there apart from the barman. He left to change a barrel, so I was alone. A voice came from behind the bar where they keep the snacks. The voice said 'You look nice tonight'. I thought this was very odd, so I mentioned it to the barman when he returned. 'Ah', he chuckled, 'those were the complementary nuts'. Edited December 17, 2012 by jinnantonnixx
tech_guy Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I've just got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler....
Jawloms Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are getting everything sorted for Christmas. Darth Vader says to Luke "I know every gift you are going to receive". Luke, somewhat surprised at this asks "How can you possibly know that?". Darth Vader says "I felt your presents".
jinnantonnixx Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 (edited) A magician was walking down the high street, then suddenly turned into a shop. Edited December 19, 2012 by jinnantonnixx
6Foot2 Posted December 19, 2012 Posted December 19, 2012 Just saw this on BBC 2: "The Ooh-Aah bird is so-called because it lays square eggs." Margo Ledbetter: The Good Life.
laserblazer Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 That's a bit like the Ohmegooly Bird. It hasn't got any legs and every time it lands it screams...
laserblazer Posted December 20, 2012 Author Posted December 20, 2012 I was told The Fiddle was the worst pub in town, so I had to try it. They were right, it was a vile inn.
6Foot2 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 I have just accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. The next time I go to the loo it could spell disaster.
6Foot2 Posted December 20, 2012 Posted December 20, 2012 This joke expires at midnight: Everyone's making Mayan jokes...like there's no tomorrow!
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