What do I do?

[featured_spectre]

This is a majorly personal situation, however I have no idea as to what I do.

 

The background is this - My other half is pregnant, and one of my "friends" is the father. I found out last night (at roughly 8pm, after I put my daughter to bed), and she told me she is just gone 6 weeks, and she doesn't want to abort the baby (which is her choice, I cannot make that for her). I decided last night to take a walk, so I walked out of the house at around 8:15pm, and didn't come home until 5:15am (give or take), and I spent a good few hours on a motorway bridge, I was close to suicide as I have been with my other half for several years and have a 1 year old daughter with her. If it wasn't for my daughter I probably would have jumped in front of a lorry.

 

Now I love my other half dearly, and this ripped me up inside, beyond belief (my boss has given me compassionate leave for 3 days to try to get my head around things without being distracted). I want to try to work this out with my other half, as until this, I thought we had a great relationship, but now its like she doesn't want to know me. I have told the father of the baby, in no uncertain terms, he will be hurt if I see him in the immediate future, as I have to get my head around things.

 

What can I do in terms of my other half to try to get things back on track? I am willing to put this behind us and work on becoming a stronger couple but she doesn't want to know.

 

Any help and advice appreciated (and before anyone puts up phone numbers, I was on the phone to the Samaritans for around an hour at 6am this morning)

[echo]

Not really got any advice, but just wanted to say take care of yourself over the next few days.

 

I believe relate are very good Relate - the relationship people

[fafster]

I can't even begin to imagine the struggle going on in your head right now. If what you're saying is true, and she's not interested in a future with you, no amount of coercion on your part is going to change her mind. I know it's the last thing you want to do, but you need to take a look at your options (especially any financial implications) of a split.

 

Got any mates (real mates) you can spend some time with?

[featured_spectre]

Sad as it sounds my social life declined rapidly when my baby was born, and as such, I have no real friends to speak of, I have friends that I speak to once in a while but that I wouldn't count as someone who's sofa I could crash on.. My social life now revolves around work as I get on with several members of staff out side of school (which is depressing to say the least!)

[vikpaw]

i'm not great at these things.

keep away from your 'mate'. and maybe keep away from the other half at least for a bit.

the only solution will come through talking, but you can't force it, and you can't do it so soon. take some space, for both of you.

hopefully you can work something out, but, if she is not keen, i would look to keep things amicable for the sake of your daughter, and yourself too.

you're probably angry right now and will be for some time, but there's no rush to make a decision, even though that's what people inevitably try and do really quickly.

stay strong mate.

[danrhodes]

Have you asked her why she went behind your back? Harsh words nephilim but speaking from experience (without the pregnancy) if she has cheated on you once then no doubt she'l either do it again or already has prior to getting pregnant - once a cheat always a cheat I think is the saying?

 

Makes it difficult with you having a daughter together, not sure if you would get sole custody of her as it's your partner than has done the deed!

 

Look after yourself though mate, we've had one scare on here lately, we DON'T want another one!!

 

D

[featured_spectre]

Well my daughter is what is keeping me going, so no scare on the suicide front, although there was serious contemplation last night.

[danrhodes]

Well my daughter is what is keeping me going, so no scare on the suicide front, although there was serious contemplation last night.

 

At least you have your daughter to keep your spirits up then, keep strong nephilim!

 

D

[mb2k01]

I have been in a fairly similar spot to you with my other half becoming pregnantl by my so-called best friend.

The things which were important to me where 1) How long the "relationship" had been going on, 2) What the reasons behind it were, and 3) What the future held in terms of what she wanted long term.

 

In my case I didn't have any children so I was able to make decisions purely based on myself.

What I would probably do in your case is decide how you want the above answers to go and then see what she says. Don't make any snap decisions and take in to account your own feelings + what is best in the long run for your daughter.

 

If the past is honestly a stupid mistake that is regretted then maybe stay and work it out. If there is more to it, or you don't feel the answers are honest look to review the whole thing.

I know it won't be easy, but the most important thing is for YOU to keep YOUR head up. None of this is your fault and you currently call the shots!

[KWestos]

You did the right thing in the end! Your daughter needs YOU and will always need you. No other man will ever replace you - you have to hold on to that. You know jumping off the bridge was not the right thing to do. I understand you still love her (she's the mother of you daughter) but as has been said, don't pressure her. She must want different things in life and as hard as it is to swallow, there's not a great deal you can do. The only thing you can do is continue to be a great father to your daughter. Also, who knows what's round the corner, next week, next year???

 

You know there's lot's of people on here (although never met) will be here for you.

 

This is a VERY tough scenario for you and I'm sure all of us can help you through it in some way.

 

Just keep on talking to us.

 

Take care.

[Hightower]

My other half is my world, and if she did something like that to me there'd be no talking, just the sound of footsteps leaving. I'd take my daughter with me (have you got family you could rely on?) and use what she did to custody of the child.

 

No matter how bad it gets, stay safe and think of your daughter before you make any impulse decisions (as in the motorway bridge). Life is too good to waste, and I'm sure you'll realise that every single time you look into your daughters eyes.

 

Also, if you have some friends (even colleagues) then talk to them. And as always, you have fellow edugeekers to try and help you through, even if they can't be there in person with you.

[elsiegee40]

@nephilim - Having young children does send you social life completely out of kilter... so please understand that losing touch with your social circle is to some extent normal. Priorities change when there's a baby in the house so, unless your friends also have young children, it is entirely normal for paths to divide.

 

That, however, is only a tiny part of your current situation. I completely understand you anger and depression with your partner, your ex-friend and life in general... it's one heck of thing to cope with

 

And then there's your little girl caught up in the middle of this.... for her sake, try to keep a lid on your anger and don't move out until you've checked what legal position this leaves you in with regard to custody and access. It won't be easy, but you may be on the sofa for a while

 

I wish I could do more than suggest that you contact Relate and possible Citizens Advice ... keep talking to us mate. We're here to listen to you.

[danrhodes]

My other half is my world, and if she did something like that to me there'd be no talking, just the sound of footsteps leaving. I'd take my daughter with me (have you got family you could rely on?) and use what she did to custody of the child.

 

No matter how bad it gets, stay safe and think of your daughter before you make any impulse decisions (as in the motorway bridge). Life is too good to waste, and I'm sure you'll realise that every single time you look into your daughters eyes.

 

Also, if you have some friends (even colleagues) then talk to them. And as always, you have fellow edugeekers to try and help you through, even if they can't be there in person with you.

 

Very well said! Listen to this guy nephilim!

 

D

[witch]

What a dreadful situation to be in - I am so sorry and can only really say that we are definitely here for you.

But I think space is what is needed at this point. I wouldn't counsel that you go very far, given that you have a daughter - unless you can take her with you to visit family, perhaps?

You can always ring me if you need to..just pm

 

I'm afraid that what she has done will have little or no bearing on custody issues

Edited May 25, 2010 by witch
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[clareq]

Could it be that your other half is embarrassed and ashamed, and cannot imagine that you want to be with her, and that is why she is behaving as she is? If the pregnancy is the result of a brief moment she now regrets she's probably beating herself up about it too. Not saying what she did was right, of course. You need to know whether she is in a relationship with your "friend", and whether he is prepared to take responsibility for the baby. Foremost in your mind, of course, should be your daughter.

[solitaire89]

I won't make any suggestions as to what you should do at this juncture - I don't have the full picture, and there may be truth in what clareq says. I just wanted to say that you're in all our thoughts at the moment. Look after yourself so that you can make the right decisions.

[Guest TheLibrarian]

Keep going Nephilim, don't miss enjoying the rest of your life with your daughter.

 

As for anything else, all I can do is reitterate Relate Counselling - even if you go on your own they can try to help you get your head straight.

[bodminman]

Christ man I feel for you right now. I went through a similar situation 5 years ago although there was no pregancy.

 

As has been mentioned many times, both of you could do with space at the moment to be able to gather your thoughts. Anger and confrontation will just make things worse.

 

Keep that little girl of yours safe from any emotional stuff that's going on. Can she stay at a relatives for a night or two over this weekend?

 

Talking (when both are ready) is the only way to go forward on this!

[sippo]

You've got to ask yourself this question. If she didn't get pregnant would she have told you? How long has it been going on?

 

Difficult as you have a daughter, but I beleive that staying with someone for the kids sake is wrong because it is for the wrong reasons. You may have to leave the household and your daughters side for a brief time, but that will make you stronger as a person. You need to sort your head foremost, because who know's what you would do. You can then sort custody out at a later date. As tempting as it is to take your daughter, I think that would be a bad move. How old is she? Is she dependant on her mum?

 

You just have to be strong, as hard as it is...

[sippo]

Oh and sleeping with one of your so called mates is the lowest of the low.

[K.C.Leblanc]

I don't know what else to say, but good luck.

[Ex-MGSTech]

I've been here too but without the pregnancy, the following "advise" may seem a little matter of fact but its based on my situation ten years ago now (I'm now remarried to someone who also went through the same thing but her ex got his secretary pregnant)

 

Don't worry too much about agencies like the CSA. They actually REDUCED the amount I was paying my ex!

 

If you give her money for housekeeping etc, WRITE EVERYTHGING DOWN from now on, all this can be taken into account if it comes to separation and maintenance etc

 

Keep an eye on your bank and any joint savings, especially if they are single signature to withdraw everything!

 

See a solicitor if your negotiations look bad. my entire divorce cost me £750 inc legal fees etc,

 

Try not to remind her she is at fault if you plan on this relationship continuing

 

Ask yourself can you actually forgive her for this?, if not make plans for you and your daughters future, however courts mostly award custody to the mother (unless you can prove she's unfit) so make sure the arrangements for access to your daughter are WRITTEN DOWN and BOTH parties sign it.

 

Good luck mate but IMO most of your future lies with two questions

 

Does she want the relationship to continue & can you REALY forgive her. no relationship will survive a loss of trust on either part.

 

Good luck and keep your daughter in the front of your mind, you sound like a faithful father and she'll need you when she's older

[HarryMonkey]

Does she want the relationship to continue & can you REALY forgive her. no relationship will survive a loss of trust on either part.

 

 

I couldn't agree more. I went through a relationship breakdown through infidelity many years a go and it cut me to peices at the time. I stayed there (for the sake of the kids) but every time we had an arguement it got thrown back at her and the kids have since said that they would rather we hadn't stayed together.

 

Trust is a very fragile thing and to rebuild it is going to take a considerable amount of work from BOTH of you. This is going to have to be achieved against a background of your partner putting all her time into looking after the new baby (rightly so), leaving you to fend for yourself. You are going to have to face your "friend" for years to come when he visits his child.

 

Bringing up another persons child is never easy. Made even more difficult by your circumstances. You are going to have to live with a lot of anger, resentment, jealousy and mistrust for many years to come.

 

You need to take some time out of you can, get away from the situation and look at the effects both long and short term that staying together and splitting up will have on YOU and the welfare of YOUR daughter.

 

Good luck with this. There is light at the end of the tunnel and if we can light a few candles for you on the way then you know where we are.

[featured_spectre]

As dumb/naive as it sounds, I can forgive her, and I can accept that she wants this baby, and that she wants the father to have access (Something I would never dream of standing in the way of).

 

I will admit I have not been an angel in this relationship and it takes 2 to tango in terms of it going down hill. When we first started seeing each other (4 years ago) we made it clear that we weren't exclusive, and as such I was still having fun (not sex but getting numbers, kissing etc) which seemed to annoy her. We settled down soon after and her getting pregnant was the highlight of our world. It went down hill when we stopped being C*** and B**** (our names but blanked out), and became mum and dad, and as such, we rarely had time for each other, however when either one of us suggested we go out (say I wanted us to go to the park or she wanted us to go out to a restaurant for a meal) we would each make excuses as to not go out, EG tired, or no money etc, so we both are equally to blame in that department.

 

However in recent months it got very bad as she wanted time for herself and just go for a drive (as she used to do when we first met), and she became very distant because of it. She admitted to going round his house a few times to talk, and they both admit that it was only the once and they both regret it - I am sure he regrets it because he knows I can and would hurt him.

 

*sigh* I just want to speak to her and try to sort it out like civilised people!

[Hightower]

I think you've answered your own question mate - give it a go. If your hearts still there you'd only regret it if you didn't. It may be a world of pain bringing up someone elses baby, but it may be more pain being without the one you hold your heart for. All the best.