[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[6Foot2]

I bought 12 bees from the pet shop. When I got home, I counted them and found I had 13.

 

I called the pet shop, and they said, "Don't worry, that's a free bee!"

 

               - Vernon Kay, Radio 2 today.

[6Foot2]

 

[6Foot2]

 

[6Foot2]

I was bored last night, so I unwrapped all the sweets in our house and switched the wrappers around.

 

My wife really wasn’t happy: she got her Snickers in a Twix.

[6Foot2]

I was once tasked to find a monastery where all the monks are over six foot five.

That was a tall order.

[HarryMonkey]

Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti-Boyden on his new role as head of the National Parrot Owners Association.

[HarryMonkey]

As a result of the current financial climate, our local kennels has had to call in the official retrievers.

[HarryMonkey]

Did you know, the most common owl in the UK is the Teat Owl. There's one in almost every kitchen.

 

[6Foot2]

[Ditto]

We have a local crime wave where someone, or a gang, are stealing the wheels off parked up police cars. Police say they are working tirelessly to find the culprits.

[Jawloms]

Is this the same lot that have been stealing toilets? The police have nothing to go on.

[6Foot2]

3 minutes ago, Jawloms said:

Is this the same lot that have been stealing toilets? The police have nothing to go on.

 

They are now using a hole in the ground instead.

 

Some others are looking into it.

 

🫢

[HarryMonkey]

I went into the pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The shopkeeper asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don't care what star sign it is.

[6Foot2]

[HarryMonkey]

The wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said to be honest, I didn't even know he played cricket.

[6Foot2]

Why did the kid cross the playground?

 

To get to the other slide.

[6Foot2]

What day is it tomorrow Adam?

 

It's Christmas Eve.

[Jawloms]

Had a Tesco delivery last night. The driver said "You've got two substitutes. Here is your coriander and your haddock.", which was neither the thyme nor the plaice!

[6Foot2]

[smurfomatic]

I went to the doctor, told him my wife thinks she's a fridge.

 

He said that it's just a psychological complex.

 

I replied that's fine, but she sleeps with her mouth open and the light keeps me awake...

[Ditto]

I think this one is almost too good for a 'Dad' joke. My usual 'victim', younger son, actually found this funny rather than groany!

 

If you're American when you go into a bathroom and American when you come out, what are you while you're in the the bathroom?

European.

[6Foot2]

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

 

Halloumi!

 

- Vernon Kay, Radio 2 today.

[HarryMonkey]

I said to the girl in B&Q

"What's best for greasy ovens?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner"

I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here"

[Ditto]

My wife told me I need to embrace my mistakes. I gave her a hug.

 

Actually, the original version of this was the other way around, but I'm all for equality.

[6Foot2]

Celine Dion has come out in support of farmers by removing all the consonants from her name.