[joke] The Dad Jokes Thread

[HarryMonkey]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers,

 

“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”

[HarryMonkey]

. .

[mikeprice]

 

Another mystery solved!

[Jawloms]

If you let people shenan once, they will probably shenanigan!

[6Foot2]

A friend called to say that they saw a fox on the way to work.

 

I asked how they knew it was on its way to work.

 

They didn't reply.

[mikeprice]

A friend called to say that they saw a fox on the way to work.

 

I asked how they knew it was on its way to work.

 

They didn't reply.

 

Maybe he has a job sweeping floors??

 

did he have a brush?

[hallb15]

Maybe he has a job sweeping floors??

 

did he have a brush?

 

Boom boom.

[mikeprice]

Think this belongs here

 

[mikeprice]

ANother one

 

[6Foot2]

Think this belongs here

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]71355[/ATTACH]

 

See also:

 

 

[6Foot2]

I knew someone who had his ear replaced using a pig's ear. He said his hearing was fantastic, apart from a bit of crackling.

 

*Paraphrased version of one Bradley told on The Chase this afternoon.

 

[mikeprice]

 

 

stupid idea

 

How can she get me to reach everything on the top shelf and ask me question to which she already know the answer is really "dunno" - put to which I have to put together random words into something that sounds like an answer

 

and who will push the trolley????

[mikeprice]

 

Just a little note

 

when I was a programmer I would, naturally, sometimes need to have a data item that acted as an index/subscript or keep track of how many we had processed so far

 

There was a standard for data names - so it would normally have to be something like WI7-table2-index

and for a few years Ipart of my job was supervising all the programmers in the team and enforcing standards

 

 

I always called it DRACULA - because it was a count

 

which I explained in the comments

 

I did overhear one senior programmer saying to a junior programmer "don't say anything to him about it - don;t give him the pleasure - PLEASE"

[Ketlane]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]71387[/ATTACH]

 

Just a little note

 

when I was a programmer I would, naturally, sometimes need to have a data item that acted as an index/subscript or keep track of how many we had processed so far

 

There was a standard for data names - so it would normally have to be something like WI7-table2-index

and for a few years Ipart of my job was supervising all the programmers in the team and enforcing standards

 

 

I always called it DRACULA - because it was a count

 

which I explained in the comments

 

I did overhear one senior programmer saying to a junior programmer "don't say anything to him about it - don;t give him the pleasure - PLEASE"

 

There's a little insect called a holly leaf miner - its grubs live inside holly leaves. When we'd collected a load of data on the leaves and mines, we saved it in an Excel file. Took me ages to find it again as the filename wasn't quite obvious - it was Scargill.xls .......

[6Foot2]

 

It's a Fallout shelter!

 

[mikeprice]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]71411[/ATTACH]

 

It's a Fallout shelter!

 

 

There are times when I think we needs a more nuanced series of options to the "Thank Post" icon

 

This is certainly of of those times where I am not sure I want to "Thank" the poster!!!

[6Foot2]

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

 

In a triathlon, the result would depend upon which of us was the better cyclist.

[Ditto]

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

 

In a triathlon, the result would depend upon which of us was the better cyclist.

Nope. The swim event is first so you would have been eaten before you could run.

[dcwhitworth]

Nope. The swim event is first so you would have been eaten before you could run.

 

Pretty sure you'd get disqualified for eating an opponent, so it would be a draw.

[6Foot2]

Nope. The swim event is first so you would have been eaten before you could run.

 

That reminds me: I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark. – When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.

[HarryMonkey]

. . . .

[6Foot2]

. . . .

[ATTACH=CONFIG]71460[/ATTACH]

 

#Earwax!

[HarryMonkey]

Pardon?

[6Foot2]

A police officer knocked on the door and said that they were looking for a man with one eye.

 

I said, “If you use both, you'll probably have more success.”

[mikeprice]

Pardon?

 

I demand that you remove your bugs from my house!!!!