cl0n3

The sole was falling off. Plenty of UHU, a few screws and a vice and it was good enough to make a cobbler weep

Asked to repair the sole on someones shoe and also sort someones glasses

are the connect.ini files pointing to the right places?

Bah cheapest and easiest option is for you and the fella to share a shower/bath

Moonmins!!!

I was best man at my twins wedding last saturday, here's what I put together for it: I would like to welcome everyone, Before I waffle on and make no sense, would Frank, the father of the bride like to say a few words?..... Thanks Frank I'm going to further attempt to put off my waffling by asking for a few words from Jason, the groom.......... Thanks Jason, I hope you made the most of your speech, now that you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted. Some more thank yous are in order. Thank you Chris and Steven, who bottled out of doing this speech leaving me in the lurch, [point at Chris] I have copies ordered of all photos with you In a kilt which will make lovely birthday cards for your son up until he hits 16....or calls you Christine, which ever first. Of course, thank you all for attending and joining in with celebrating this amazing day. This is my first time at being a best man (my better half refers to me as an adequate man) and I'm terrible at speeches, but I'll try my best because Jason said if I do a good job today, I can be best man at his next wedding too. I've been asked to pass on a few bits of advice, establish the ground rules early on and who's boss.....then do everything Charlotte says and always remember to tell your wife those three important little words.....You're right dear I was told that it is customary to bring up some old embarrassing stories of the groom from years gone by but I was unable to do this as when I think of Jason from years gone by the first thing that comes to my mind is how kind and generous he is. Anyone who knows him, I'm sure can think of a time when he has offered help in some way. I was hoping to put a few other people on the spot by getting a few of his friends to share some things about him: {Gesture to and name whoever I can see to say a few things] I know Jason will make a thoughtful husband, like the time when I had to find out what Charlotte's favourite kind of flower was....he replied 'self -raising’. I know Jason will make a caring husband, like the time they were out for a walk and Charlotte mentioned that she was getting tired, Jason replied 'Ok dear, you can stop giving me a piggy back after we get past this mud'. I know Jason will make a loving husband, like the time when he was planning a romantic night: he bought a crate of Stella, stuff for a BBQ and every Rocky film on DVD I do have to say how lucky you are Jason You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. [Face Charli] And Charlotte [pause] How lucky you are as well [pause] You leave today having gained a [pause] A lot of nice presents HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER, AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER, AS Jason and Charlotte START THEIR NEW LIFE, PLEASE STAND & TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE. If you would all be up standing in my toast To the new Mr and Mrs ###### Jason and Charlotte

Hope you liked your balloons (They seem to have helped you get over your hangover each time one goes pop). The cleaners are going to go apes!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

A member of the hells angels? (good excuse for leather and chains)

Email: From: Vicki Gardner Sent: 05 May 2009 16:01 Subject: Advance Notification of Work on SWGfL Services - Friday 8th May 2009 Importance: High Dear all, First the good news, then the slightly not so good news Upgrading is part of what we do. In fact it is a major part of what we do. Every week, every month, every year, IT develops, systems do more, and you want your school computers to be faster, better and more capable. Generating this faster and better world is what we both want – and as part of this over the next few months we are upgrading the broadband networks in Cornwall, Devon, Wiltshire, Gloucestershire, North Somerset and South Gloucestershire. (Other areas will follow – it is just that everything has to be done in an order, and these are the counties we’ve started the broadband upgrade on). To make the broadband upgrades work first time, we need to get the equipment in the data centre (the behind the scenes stuff) ready beforehand. Most of the services in the data centre will be completely unaffected and you shouldn’t notice anything. However, there may be slight disruptions to all SWGfL services, no longer than 30 seconds at a time, and it is just possible that there will be one or two subsequent issues – such as your website being unavailable or a remote log-in session not working for you. We are going to carry out this work on Friday the 8th of May, starting at 4pm and it will take much of the weekend to complete, with normal service resuming on Sunday evening. I know that is phenomenally annoying – we are working to a tried and tested plan of work and we do have roll-back plans if things go wrong. If I could guarantee no side-effects of our upgrade and testing I would do it – but it simply isn’t possible. Kind regards, Vicki Gardner SWGfL Managed Service Manager

42 A Unicycle has 1 Wheel

20 There are 28 Propertise on a Monopoly Board

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/images/snake-in-computer1.jpg

And you're supposed to be my boss I thought you were my mum sitting in the office when I glanced through the window as I walked passed with you wearing that blinding jacket

The problem is the person sitting at your computer

WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a Pub and a golf course.

Happy Birthday!

Ooh and a little thing to hopefully even the field to highlight one of the few things wrong with my gender: One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his football shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " Beckham"

Ah there are a few external files even, may be worth posting thoose?

Is it so bad that I want to scoff the lot

Have sorted out soles on peoples shoes and repaired a few pairs of glasses, not nearly as fun as previous posts sound!

Same here, just water or vodka (yin yang balancing that)

very cool

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.' HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT' TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK' 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!' SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................ HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?' SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.' HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?' SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'