visioN Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Well I'm taking the mrs out to a posh hotel as it is an excuse for her to get dressed up!
Garacesh Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 LeBoyfriend has taken it very very badly and I'm doing my best to support him and his family through this difficult time but he is actively pushing us all away. I know he needs space to grieve but it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle in that he pushes us all away to magnify his own feelings of grief and loneliness and guilt, then because he feels so terrible he pushes us further away. He needs to break the cycle on his own but he won't - it's almost like he's deliberately destroying himself. I'm not going to lie to you, because that would be unfair to you. That's exactly what he's doing - but that's oddly enough what guys often need. I know it was certainly the case with me after a loss. We feed ourselves full of guilt and regret, blaming ourselves, constantly revisiting every scenario, going over what we could have done, should have done or shouldn't have done. It destroys us. It's hell. But it gets better. I find, personally, it's only once I've broken myself down to the brink that I can begin to rebuild myself to how I need to be. Maybe your boyfriend's the same. You could write him a note and leave it where he will find it when you are not there - it might help. That is actually a brilliant idea. 1
LosOjos Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I guess I just feel a bit useless when he'd rather see someone else than share the burden with his life partner because I can't do anything for him. It's very hard to watch from my position at arms length. I'm not going to lie to you, because that would be unfair to you. That's exactly what he's doing - but that's oddly enough what guys often need. I know it was certainly the case with me after a loss. We feed ourselves full of guilt and regret, blaming ourselves, constantly revisiting every scenario, going over what we could have done, should have done or shouldn't have done. It destroys us. It's hell. But it gets better. I find, personally, it's only once I've broken myself down to the brink that I can begin to rebuild myself to how I need to be. Maybe your boyfriend's the same. Nobody can tell you exactly what's happening here but I have to agree with @Garacesh here as I'm another one who has to break myself down completely before I can build back up again. When my Grandad died, I was destroyed. He was a father figure to me growing up and was always the one I'd turn to when I was in trouble. He never judged me, just supported me. We were very close. We found out about a year before he passed that he had cancer. He spent the last two weeks of his life in a hospice and I spent every day with him, including his last. Over the course of those two weeks, plus about 4 weeks following, I fell in to a deep depression that was not at all helped by the fact I had taken up drinking in a big way. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy; I felt worthless, and I made myself such by being in a constant state of numbness, confusion and drunken stupor. But there is a silver lining - my girlfriend (who I had already been with for about 4 years at the time) stuck by me through it, despite me trying to push her away. I felt worthless, convinced myself as such and so had it in my mind she was better off without me. Rather than tell her that, which would have given her the opportunity to tell me otherwise, I pushed her away so that it's be her choice to leave, thus "proving" she didn't really love me after all and that I was as worthless as I thought I was. But, she stuck around anyway. I can't remember exactly what triggered it, but eventually it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was destroying my life and that there was no way my grandad would have wanted that. I stopped drinking, apologised to everyone I had pushed away, and started to figure out my issues (I did this on my own but not because I'm afraid to seek help, just because it's not the first time I've been like that so have developed coping mechanisms over the years). I suppose what I'm trying to do here by revealing all this is to tell you that LeBF is probably feeling some similar emotions right now. I think it's how a lot of men work; when we feel vulnerable, we become stones. Hang in there though, he will get better and he'll love you all the more for having stood by his side in spite of all this. It will get better 3
PotNoodleTech Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm just gonna buy myself a takeaway cury and a few beers in. Very low risk of dissapointment with that plan..
Garacesh Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Mallory's got it together. She knows what's up.
AMLinington Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Linda's not doing herself any favours though. Nothing like announcing how desperate you are in a national newspaper. REAL attractive.
witch Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I shall give mrwITch a card and will get one in return. Normally I give him a small heart chocolate or similar but as I am confined to the sofa for 6 weeks I have been unable to get anything Mind you, in past years he hasn't given me any choc and has sat there and eaten his in front of me
Bradlys Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I shall give mrwITch a card and will get one in return. Normally I give him a small heart chocolate or similar but as I am confined to the sofa for 6 weeks I have been unable to get anything Mind you, in past years he hasn't given me any choc and has sat there and eaten his in front of me Goh! No excuse! Tesco deliver to the door yaknow!
Garacesh Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 (edited) I shall give mrwITch a card and will get one in return. Normally I give him a small heart chocolate or similar but as I am confined to the sofa for 6 weeks I have been unable to get anything Mind you, in past years he hasn't given me any choc and has sat there and eaten his in front of me D: WHAT?! Doesn't share his chocolates?! I can get you a good divorce lawyer who'll do you mates-rates, just say the word! Edited February 13, 2014 by Garacesh
witch Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 Goh! No excuse! Tesco deliver to the door yaknow! I don't think they would deliver a £1.50 chocolate heart on its own D: WHAT?! Doesn't share his chocolates?! I can get you a good divorce lawyer who'll do you mates-rates, just say the word! Ohh thanks. I'll keep that in mind
Sam_Brown Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 I'm all for it. I love looking for excuses to be romantic.
AMLinington Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I should have arranged something for LeBoyfriend to cheer him up really but I think Valentines is the least of his priorities atm. I'm just going to let this years V-day slip quietly past without fanfare.
PotNoodleTech Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 What about this? [ATTACH=CONFIG]22868[/ATTACH] Perfect! Linda and I can rock back and fore against the concrete wall together sobbing with mass depression. Mallory and I can eat chocolate all day till we can't move. Can I take both??
Sirbendy Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I gave my local florist a bell this AM, and the missus should have some flowers delivered to her desk at work, around lunchtime...not necessarily because of today, I just feel inexplicably and unusually cheerful on this cold, damp and grey day. IT'S NEARLY THE FLOODING WEEKEND, PEOPLE!!! :D :D Yes, yes..I know...I'll go and sit quiet somewhere until I calm down.
rad Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 @AMLightfoot I hold my hands to you, what you are going through is a very difficult time and wish you and LeBoyfriend all the best. You as a female are there for him, he will come to you when he needs to but everyone grieves in a different way, we all know life will end but when is another matter. For your FiL it came all too soon, LeB he will pull through and when he does, will thank you loads. 1
Garacesh Posted February 14, 2014 Posted February 14, 2014 I think YODEL are aiming to 'beat the internet'. They seem to be delivering even less than OP does. 1
mole Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Aha, yes, was waiting to type the post of shame! As it happens its been delivered, all good and I quote "have earned serious brownie points"
mole Posted February 14, 2014 Author Posted February 14, 2014 Still I count this as a 'one off' success delivery and will avoid like the plague in future
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