[joke] Nine words used by women

[laserblazer]

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

 

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

 

 

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

 

 

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

 

 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

 

 

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

 

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)

 

 

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

 

 

(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

[witch]

..and 9 words used by men:

 

1. Fine: Depends heavily on the context. A 'fine' after asking, say, "How was work?", means "It was ****, I'm not interested in talking about it". Fine at the end of an argument, however, has the same connotations as when a woman would use it, but it is USUALLY SHOUTED LIKE THIS because men have trouble using an inside voice when we're angry.

 

2. Five minutes: What is he doing? Videogames? Five minutes is about half an hour then, or until he finds the ever elusive 'next save point'. Preparing to leave? Five minutes means five minutes, and if you're not in the car in exactly five minutes you will find yourself under a veritable barrage of honking until you rectify the fact.

 

3. Nothing: Is largely a synonym for 'fine', though more resolute. A 'fine' can be challenged, a 'nothing' is completely off limits, and rather than signaling that an argument is forth coming, it should tell any man-savvy woman that whatever is wrong is not up for discussion with her, her mother, or anyone she is related to. Full stop.

 

4.Go ahead: "I'm not interested in arguing with you anymore, do whatever the hell you want. See if I care!" Often accompanied by a #1.

 

5.Loud sigh: Sometimes with a curse,, this is a sign of frustration, and means, basically, "I so don't understand the issue here, what is she still annoyed about? My conclusive rebuttals weren't enough for her?"

 

6.That's okay: This is a sign of disappointment. If a dude tells you 'that's okay' after you've just admitted something, it means his respect for you has taken a free fall and he's not sure what to say that won't insult you, despite his current feelings. If a guy is saying 'that's okay' a lot, you should examine your patterns and find out why.

 

7.Thanks: This depends largely on the context and intonation. Like eels and shotguns, 'thanks' is a slippery beast and by no means can be explained in one dot point. So I won't.

 

8. Whatever: "I'm over it. I'm not interested in arguing. I still think I'm right, but you know what? You don't, and I'm beyond caring. ****you." That's what 'whatever' means.

 

9.Don't worry about it, I got it: This isn't often used by men, but when uttered it holds the same connotations as "Stop asking if I need help, I am a MAN, I am more than capable of handling this myself". Women often challenge this, which can result in a #4 #5 combo, or, worse, a #1 followed up by an #8.

[Midget]

so very true.

[elsiegee40]

so very true.

 

 

midget uses diplomatic approach by not admitting whether he agrees with one or both the above posts!

[mac_shinobi]

when getting questioned by a woman just act the same way when pulled over by a police officer - look forward and don't say anything at all except for yes and no lol.

[witch]

when getting questioned by a woman just act the same way when pulled over by a police officer - look forward and don't say anything at all except for yes and no lol.

 

Nope, wouldn't work in this house. Wouldn't like to say what would happen as it could be very unpleasant for the questionee

[GrumbleDook]

Rep to both of you!

 

And the dreaded questions ....

"What you you thinking?"

 

There are so many incorrect responses to this that it is scary!

"Oh .. nothing" #FAIL (see #3 from both posts)

"About you" (Fine ... until he/she starts getting paranoid about what bit of him/her you are thinking about!)

"Work" (What? You are thinking about work and not about me? How dare you!)

"Life" (Oh no ... he/she is thinking that it's not working out!)

 

And $deity help you if you even consider mentioning someone's name ... especially of the opposite sex!

 

(collectively acquired from Michael McIntyre, Billy Connoly, Bill Hicks and Victoria Wood)

[capncrunch]

 

And the dreaded questions ....

"What you you thinking?"

 

(collectively acquired from Michael McIntyre, Billy Connoly, Bill Hicks and Victoria Wood)

 

and to paraphrase Ed Byrne

 

"never underestimate the ability of a mans mind to be totaly and utterly vacant.... even if we did tell you what we are thinking we know that the truth is never good enough"