[joke] Emergency funnies

[Ryan]

In a pickle? Need a one-liner to raise the mood?

 

Apparently credited to a Mr. Tommy Cooper... some of you may remember him.

 

 

 

 

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

 

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

 

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

 

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

 

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

 

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

 

'Is it common?'

 

'It's not unusual.'

 

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

 

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

 

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

 

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

 

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

 

'No, because he's really heavy'

 

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

 

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

 

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

 

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

 

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So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

 

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

 

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'

 

And I swerved.

 

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

 

And I swerved again.

 

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

 

And I went into a tree.

 

And a policeman came up and said

 

'What happened to you?'

 

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

 

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

 

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

 

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give

me a lift?'

 

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

 

'Does this taste funny to you?'

 

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

 

They charged one and let the other one off.

 

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

 

So that was nice.

 

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A man walked into the doctors,

he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

 

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

 

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

 

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

 

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

 

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one

of them would have seen it.

 

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

 

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

 

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

 

A strong currant pulled him in.

 

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

 

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

 

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

 

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

 

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all

that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands.

 

Police say that he topped himself.

 

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[MkII]

Class!

[torledo]

careered off the road

 

The late, great genius of tommy cooper. Quite unique.

[FN-GM]

Classic! Love them, these types of jokes always seem the best.

[tech_guy]

Easily the funniest was:

 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

 

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

 

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

[TechMonkey]

The great thing is you can actually hear him saying them.

 

Although worryingly the voice in my head did keep switching between cooper and Tim Vine!

[Paul_L]

Classic!

 

Just read it this morning and put a smile on my Thanks

[CHR1S]

Ace!!

[reggiep]

Tim Vine is the kng of one liners now.

[timbo343]

Tim Vine... Just watched him on Youtube.... quite funny to be honest

 

YouTube - Tim Vine

[Ryan]

Nnnngh, dunno. I like a bit of cohesion in my stand-up - he's just one-liner after one-liner. I love how Billy Connelly tells stories, goes off on tangents, comes back, thinks of something else, etc.

 

Maybe Mr. Vine missed his calling as a member of the Fast Show 'So that was nice..'

[sparkeh]

Ha this just made my day.

 

Two more I remember from TC:

 

"I went to the doctors the other day and said 'It hurts when I do this', he said 'Don't do it then'"

 

"I'm on an all whiskey diet, I've already lost two days"

 

Edit: Bah! Really should be able to thank people in this forum.

[Ryan]

lol!

 

'Thanks' is disabled on here because they're for solutions to problems or something and are searchable. Supposed to use rep in here apparently (just added to yours for those!)