[joke] Monday Afternoon Joke: My girlfriend is fed up with...

[6Foot2]

My girlfriend is fed up with my constant wordplay jokes.

 

I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?"

 

She said, "Whatever means necessary."

 

I said. "No it doesn't,"

 

[aerospacemango]

If I could....

 

I'd give you more REP for that!

[cromertech]

I could...

 

and I did. That's great!!!!

[6Foot2]

And another:

 

How does Moses make his tea?

 

Hebrews it.

 

[laserblazer]

You're not getting a rep for that.

[teejay]

My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work! If anything its made him more sluggish....

[6Foot2]

My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work! If anything its made him more sluggish....

 

Also snail related:

 

Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.

 

Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey, look at that S-car go!"

 

 

More:

 

What is this:

 

@_! @_!

 

Racing snails!

 

:getmecoat:

Edited June 13, 2011 by 6Foot2
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[jdoyle]

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so we went to our local pet shop and they were £100 minimum!!

 

 

Way too expensive I told him, we'd get one cheaper off the web.

[6Foot2]

Now my girlfriend says that she is leaving me due to my obsession with American sit-coms.

 

Happy Days!

 

[tech_guy]

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving...

[tech_guy]

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

[Iain.Faulkner]

Did anyone hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

 

All that was left was de brie........

[DeltaBravo]

Brilliant, Heres another one...

 

I was searching for ages to find a Coca-Cola bottle with my wife's name on.

 

I eventually gave up and got the next best thing - a Kit Kat Chunky.

[E_G_R2]

If I got a £ for every time I thought about the wife i'd start thinking about her

[sparkeh]

How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches?

 

Wi Jammin'

[tech_guy]

I heard that if you play a Windows 8 install DVD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows 8...

[Poults]

I have just started playing the triangle in a Jamaican reggae band, i just stand there and ting.

[tech_guy]

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.

 

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

 

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

 

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

 

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

 

"That's true, I do have a yard."

 

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

 

"Yes, I do have a house."

 

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

 

"Yes, I have a family."

 

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

 

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

 

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

 

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

 

"No."

 

"Then you're gay... "

[Iain.Faulkner]

What did the cheese say when he saw himself in the mirror?

 

Hallo me

[aerospacemango]

I hear that Luis Suarez will put in a transfer request to Liverpool....

 

Apparently, Real Madrid have already made an approach, but the smart money says he'll go to Borussia Munchonacentreback.....

[tech_guy]

-I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

-When chemists die, they barium.

-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

-This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

-I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

-PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

-Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

-Broken pencils are pointless.

-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

-Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

-Velcro, what a rip off!

-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

-Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

-Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

-A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

-Without geometry, life is pointless.

-When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

-Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

-A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

-Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

-What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

-A backwards poet writes inverse.

-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

-He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

-Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

-What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

-There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

-The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, “Did you get my drift?”

-Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.

-Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

-When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked “Are you two an item?”

-When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

-A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.”

-A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?”

-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

[tech_guy]