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Something To Offend Most[?]: MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

6Foot2

By 6Foot2
in Jokes/Interweb Things

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6Foot2

6Foot2

Posted
Posted

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

 

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

localzuk

localzuk

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

 

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

Well, not specifically offensive, but wrong on a few points :p

 

The issue with numbers is Dyscalculia not Dyslexia, Manic-Depression is the same as Bipolar.

Edited by localzuk
6Foot2

6Foot2

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Well, not specifically offensive, but wrong on a few points :p

 

The issue with numbers is Dyscalculia not Dyslexia, Manic-Depression is the same as Bipolar.

 

My technician pointed out these flaws just as I was clicking the 'Submit new thread' button.

Guest richard_s

Guest richard_s

Posted
Posted
I just found it funny - I wasn't too fussed about the errors etc

 

Same here :D

Little-Miss

Little-Miss

Posted
Posted

I've got this on my phone! It's great. I also have one about a certain F word....

 

Dyscalculia? So there is a number dyslexia? I may have to look this up......*few minutes later* Wow, i may have a label!? lol

mac_shinobi

mac_shinobi

Posted
Posted
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP(EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE)

 

Yeah - does your phone sound like this .... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP

mac_shinobi

mac_shinobi

Posted
Posted
My phone will be going out the window, role on next month when i can renew my contract and get rid of this piece of garbage (w910i) :(

 

makes 2 of us and yes I know there is the HTC range but me thinks I will stick with the new iphone seeing as I use itunes and apple etc

Haptic

Haptic

Posted
Posted
makes 2 of us and yes I know there is the HTC range but me thinks I will stick with the new iphone seeing as I use itunes and apple etc

 

cant you use Itunes on windows mobile then ?

apoth0r

apoth0r

Posted
Posted

I'll be looking at the HTC option, loved it the last time i had one. Or the N97 maybe, not fussed just something that doesn't turn itself off when you lose signal!!

 

Simon - think the latest release of Itunes stops other devices from 'being an Iphone' if you get what I mean. So don't think you can anymore, silly Apple :S

mac_shinobi

mac_shinobi

Posted
Posted
I'll be looking at the HTC option, loved it the last time i had one. Or the N97 maybe, not fussed just something that doesn't turn itself off when you lose signal!!

 

Simon - think the latest release of Itunes stops other devices from 'being an Iphone' if you get what I mean. So don't think you can anymore, silly Apple :S

 

correct - it was apart of the last itunes update where because palm pre were making there phones being detected like an ipod / iphone apple had to update itunes to stop this

 

Apple ends Palm Pre's iTunes charade ? The Register

Haptic

Haptic

Posted
Posted
I'll be looking at the HTC option, loved it the last time i had one. Or the N97 maybe, not fussed just something that doesn't turn itself off when you lose signal!!

 

Simon - think the latest release of Itunes stops other devices from 'being an Iphone' if you get what I mean. So don't think you can anymore, silly Apple :S

 

if the phone is running windows mobile doesnt itunes just think its the same as a pc and run, I understand that other phones that dont run windows will be blocked, if not then typical of Apple being B@$%£$^$£ again, lol

mac_shinobi

mac_shinobi

Posted
Posted
I HATE!! my Omnia...think i got it till April....is there anyway i can change it earlier?!

 

pay off the remainder of your contract and get a new contract

 

if the phone is running windows mobile doesnt itunes just think its the same as a pc and run, I understand that other phones that dont run windows will be blocked, if not then typical of Apple being B@$%£$^$£ again, lol

 

Think its more to stop people connecting any digital media device and copying over copyrighted music onto them otherwise you could just do the same with memory sticks / hard drives etc etc and copy your friends itunes stuff between computers etc

 

At least thats the angle I think apple are coming from - could be wrong

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