[joke] And then the fight started...

[mattx]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home

and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt

revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social

Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......

------------ --------- --------- ------

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

 

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not

as much as the dress she wore yesterday

 

and then the fight started......

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

 

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car

as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at

the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,

and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,

and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[tmcd35]

ROFLMAO - you have far far too much time on your hands!

[antoeknee]

Think I saw these in the ST Drivers forum yesterday

[akidosaint]

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Super lol

[silver_hippo]

Ahhh that has brightened up my day!

[witch]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

 

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

 

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

 

He looked at her bewildered and asked,

"What happened here today?"

 

She again smiled and answered,

"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

 

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

 

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Who knows? - did it ever happen??

 

What is a man's idea of doing housework?

Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

 

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

 

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "...in-laws! "

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And Finally:

 

Husband says:

"When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".

 

Wife replied:

"What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

[mattx]

Why have women not been to the moon yet ?

 

It does not require cleaning.

[antoeknee]

A man asks his wife, " If I died would you get married again?"

 

"Well yes, I wouldn't like to be alone", she replies

 

"And would you let him make love to you?"

 

"Well yes he would be my husband after all"

 

" And would you let him use my golf clubs?"

 

"Oh no, he's left handed!"

[antoeknee]

A guy says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

 

She says, "You have a bigger d**k that your brother"