April 1st is coming

[HarryMonkey]

Forgetting that April 1st wasn't a school day in 2012 or 2013, I've had this sitting in my drafts folder, waiting for it's turn ...

 

Dear All,

 

 

You may be aware that we have been experiencing some intermittent problems with X, our main 'file' server. After much tenacious investigation we believe we have identified the issue but we will need your assistance to rectify it.

 

 

As technically adept users you will know your files and are stored as 'data' arranged in Blocks, Bytes and at the most fundamental level, Bits. These are stored on disc platters which rotate at high speed - 7500 to 15000 revolutions per minute (rather faster than those old Perry Como records to be sure!).

 

 

Increases in storage density mean that these bits are now arranged on the disc platters vertically instead of the old method of storing them horizontally (rather like storing matches, you will get more in an area if you stand them upright). Unfortunately, the nature of our data means that this can cause two problems. First when discs stop spinning for a rest (during break or lunch), data can bunch up together and the 0's can get squashed and end up looking a lot like 1's. In some cases this can be so severe that the data becomes like a member of the Russian parliament, corrupted. The second problem is that files can sometimes slip on the disc and bang against each other, further exacerbating the squashing of the 0's and also unbalancing the disc platters which can cause wavy lines when documents are printed, interference on video and strange moaning sounds within mp3's and audio files. In the worst case, bits can fall over pushing documents off the disc entirely or causing a catastrophic domino like cascade of destruction!

 

 

To ease the situation we need to create some buffer zones between files and even within documents themselves. These should absorb the energy of impacts rather like the crumple zone on a car. Doing so is easy, please just remember to insert a few blanks lines between paragraphs and, at the end of documents just add a few blank pages, empty PowerPoint slides or in a spread sheet, a few blank worksheets. Double spacing of paragraphs in email is really helpful too.

 

 

I f y o u r i n f o r m a t i o n i s r e a l l y i m p o r t n a t, c o n s i d e r s p a c e s b e t w e e n t h e l e t t e r s o f w o r d s f o r m a x i u m p r o t e c t i o n.

 

 

We hope to be able to upgrade the type of bits we use over the Easter and in the summer implement a parroty protection scheme, until then please accept my apologies for any inconvenience this may cause and thank you in advance for your cooperation.

 

 

Yours etc,

 

Sent this out today, and it's gone down well with everyone. One teacher has suggested that marking every other child as absent could help with the SIMS data.

[Guest Guest]

Just showed one of the lasses in the main office the photocopier poster, and told her to watch for fools, I started laughing. Her reply "Oh ffs, I feel stupid enough talking to the xbox"

[SovietRussia]

Intranet

• Changed banners to Nyan Cat
  
• Typing in "mirror" in the Google Search field, flips the website horizontally so everything is backwards.
  
• Typing in "do a flip" in the Google Search field, flips the web page around and does a little dance in CSS.
  
• Added a "Voice Activation" for students
  

 

 

I did have the following planned but due to be, actually doing some work these didn't happen:

 

• Adding a DNS forwarding zone for facebook.com, then routing that to an internal webserver with a Facebook Login page which when the kids tried to hover over the login button, it would jump around the page. And if they did login, it just displayed a nice child safety internet warning.
  

[laserblazer]

Farming Today had a story about Paignton Zoo selling off excess giraffe milk! I've just sent the BBC a text

 

"After spending all night in the lambing shed with some particularly difficult births, I popped into the kitchen for a quick bacon butty and to listen to Farming Today. I had hoped to listen to something informative. Let me tell you, every day is April Fool's for us struggling hill farmers"

[fairm010]

All I've done is flip our HAP install upside down, head finds it halarious!

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]23666[/ATTACH]

[mats]

I've posted a voice activation notice on the copier. Just got to wait for a TA now...

[vikpaw]

GLaDOS, is that you?

 

No, but, i did change my name from Erik Wolpaw to Vik Paw when the Feds put me into protective custody and moved me to the desert.

[sonofsanta]

Intranet

• Added a "Voice Activation" for students
  

 

Now that's an idea - add a voice activated Google Search option on the intranet page with a pretend listening icon timing out to "didn't quite catch that, try again." Next year, gadget, next year...

 

Had to abandon our mirrored intranet page early as stupid IE can't render the stupid thing the same on every stupid computer and it was horribly breaking for some people stupid IE!

[SovietRussia]

Now that's an idea - add a voice activated Google Search option on the intranet page with a pretend listening icon timing out to "didn't quite catch that, try again." Next year, gadget, next year...

 

Had to abandon our mirrored intranet page early as stupid IE can't render the stupid thing the same on every stupid computer and it was horribly breaking for some people stupid IE!

 

Theres a little piece of javascript that changes the text after 3 seconds on the pop up of the box that changes it to "Sorry, I can't hear you..."

[hawc]

Sorry for being a bit late on this one, I got in on April 1st (In order to get to my office, I chose to walk across the car park). I got their and the site team has chained off some of the car park. Their is a note on the chain saying 'Reserved for Ofsted Inspection team'. It was hilarious. Even caught the head teacher out. It took a good few hours for my NM and head of ICT to stop threating to kill the site manager. I cottoned on instantly. I do feel sorry for schools who got the call on March 31st and had to reveal this to their staff..

[Norphy]

That is genius