[joke] I Saw An Advert In The Paper: TV For Sale: £ 1 [Volume Stuck On Full]

[6Foot2]

I Thought: "I can't turn that down!"

 

[tech_guy]

[CAM]

Come on people, he tried! Make some noise!

[JJonas]

Come on people, he tried! Make some noise!

 

 

[CamelMan]

Good effort - Sounds like a Tim Vine type joke!

 

Apparently this is the "best joke ever" according to some poll somewhere:

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

 

[tech_guy]

I'm ignoring this thread.

[Griff]

lol I saw Tim Vine at the Apollo last Friday it was absolutely brilliant kept doing the punch line before the start of the joke because it was new material, my fav one was at the end of his set he was holding the mic stand he says "il just leave you with this....well I didn't bring it with me' made me laugh so much I elbowed the guy next to me who hadn't laughed at anything the whole evening miserable git

[Jawloms]

I saw him last year in Ipswich. Proof that brilliant comedy is possible without needing to swear constantly.

[laserblazer]

Milton Jones one liners:

 

I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama.

I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired “mermaids.”

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

[tech_guy]

My wife hates Milton but I think he's brilliant.

 

‘Years ago I used to supply filofaxes for the mafia. Yes, I was involved in very organised crime.’

[CamelMan]

Milton:

Any one here own a cat?

Your houses stink.

Someone had to tell them

 

[LosOjos]

Do you know what really gets my goat?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A goat catcher.

 

 

[heard at a comedy club, can't remember the name of the comedian... my missus cries at that one...]

[Sunnyknight]

I weep for humanity.

[gtg93]

http://youtu.be/tNpmub2JvFM

 

EDIT - Some bad language from Jimmy Carr at the end!

Edited October 24, 2013 by gtg93