acrobson Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 (edited) Two nuns driving down a road and suddenly a vampire appears, one nun says to the other "Get out and show him your cross" So the nun gets out and shouts "Get out the way you stupid great git" Edited June 30, 2008 by acrobson
Gatt Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 (edited) this bird flys into a pub and lands on the bar.. the barman says "can i help u?" and the bird says.."got any bread?" the barman replies.."this is a pub..we dont serve bread" so the bird flies off.. Ten minutes later the bird comes back. and says to the barman.."got any bread"? .. and the barman says " look..i told u we dont serve bread here..now f:censored:k off".. so the bird flies off again ...Ten minutes later the bird comes back and says to the barman.."got any bread?" and the barman says.."look i'm not telling u again.. we dont serve bread and if u ask me again i'll nail ur beak to the bar..now f:censored:k off!" so the bird leaves... ten minutes later the bird comes back and says.."got any nails?.. and the barman says "no".. so the bird says "ok..got any bread? Edited June 28, 2008 by Gatt Censored!
Gatt Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 An eskimoe's car breaks down and a welshman stop's to help. "You've a blown a seal" says the welshman. and the eskimo says "So what, you f:censored:k sheep!" ----- An American tourist was visiting the Gaza Strip recently. He became lost and he had no map to guide him. He decided to ask an Israeli Soldier for directions. As the soldier was pointing the tourist in the right direction, he suddenly pulled out his gun and shot a Palestinian riding past on his bike. The tourist, stunned at what he had just witnessed, said, "What the hell did you do that for?" The soldier replied, "I did it because of the 9 o'clock curfew" The tourist said "But it's only 8:30!" "Yes" said the soldier, "But I know where he lives and he would never have made it home in time." ---- A guy in a wheelchair appears on Stars In Their Eyes and wheels himself onto the stage up to Matthew Kelly Matthew asks "whats you're name?" and he replies "Simon" "do u mind if i ask how u became to be in a wheelchair?" asks Matthew and Simon replies " 2 years ago i was in a car accident with my uncle.. unfortunately my uncle died.. and i had to have my legs amputated..they managed to save his legs tho and sew them onto me.. so the doctors say i'll be able to walk again soon" "thats great" says Mattew "so who r u going to be tonight then?" Simon replies.."tonight Matthew i'm gonna be... Simon and half uncle" --- 3 legionaires in the desert... one says.."hey guys..look.. thats a tree over there.." the other 2 say.."dont be stupid it's a mirage" and he says.."no look it's a tree..lets take a look!" the other 2 say.."ok.. but if u have us walking over there for nothing we aint gonna be impressed" As they get nearer the first guy says" hey look it's a bacon tree" "dont be stupid" say the other 2.. "i'm not" he replies.."look it's a bacon tree!" one of the others says"actually it does look like a bacon tree"..so they walk nearer... As they get to it 3 men jump up and shoot one of the legionaires.. and the first guy says "oops sorry..it's not a bacon tree it's a ham bush" ---- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!
mattx Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Did you hear about the architect who had his house made backwards so he could watch TV ?
mattx Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Bit of string walks into a bar. 'pint of larger please barman' ' Sorry, we don't serve bits of string...' Next day the same piece of string walks into the same bar... 'pint of larger please barman' 'I told you yesterday, we don't serve bits of string' Bit of string a bit pi55ed off now - so he changes his appearence. He ties himself into a knot and cuts himself a bit... Again he walks into the bar.... 'Pint of larger please barman' 'Are you a piece of string ? ' Asked the barman 'Nope, I'm afraid not' came the reply.
SeanVin Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Mummy and Daddy bear have a baby but it has no hair, so they called it Fred.
Droppedinit Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 " oh no", said an atom, "I've lost an electron!" his friend said.... "are you positive?" Was his friend's name Ion... ?
jumpinjamez Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Probably going to regret this but, this one escapes me. Also escapes a couple of other people I've shown it to as well. Probably really obvious once its explained. Heres hoping I don't feel real stupid in a few minutes. i have no idea either.
Inbir316 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Bit of string walks into a bar. 'pint of larger please barman' ' Sorry, we don't serve bits of string...' Next day the same piece of string walks into the same bar... 'pint of larger please barman' 'I told you yesterday, we don't serve bits of string' Bit of string a bit pi55ed off now - so he changes his appearence. He ties himself into a knot and cuts himself a bit... Again he walks into the bar.... 'Pint of larger please barman' 'Are you a piece of string ? ' Asked the barman 'Nope, I'm afraid not' came the reply. wtf?!?! lol:censored:
Inbir316 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 what do you feel like when you've just been run over????? TYRED!!!!! badooom dush:getmecoat:
mattx Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 What does a hispanic fireman name his kids? Hose A and Hose B
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