featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Does this sound ok? I have knocked it up this evening and will send it tomorrow afternoon. All help, comments etc appreciated. Dear Sir/Madam I am applying for the IT Project Manager position which I found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk. I am interested in the role because I enjoy leading projects and being creative within the IT field, and have been successful in the education sector and would like to expand into the private sector. I am attracted to the position because it offers a vibrant and challenging environment which is the type of environment where I work best. I can bring a variety of strengths to the role such as knowledge of wired and wireless technologies, various operating systems and a plethora of different aspects within the IT field. My experience of implementing internal systems comes from the Education Sector where I have worked in 2 schools and instigated 2 new frameworks and systems, and helped in a variety of other schools in building up the networks from scratch and assisting with the infrastructures. Whilst not having a degree, I have the equivalent experience in industry and believe it is just as useful as a degree. Along with this experience I have gained a thirst for problem solving and have become very self motivated to finding solutions to an array of issues, and have been able to communicate my methodologies to a large group of people, ranging from Headteachers and Governors to a Technical Director, Army Officers (Ranging from Lieutenant to Major) and an MP. Should I be considered for an interview, I am available at 48 hours notice. Many thanks for your time and I hope to hear from you soon. Yours Faithfully All posts with constructive criticisms will be thanked and/or rep'd
RabbieBurns Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 i would replace the 2 2's with the word "two" 1
dwhyte85 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Otherwise its good?? Yes, it is good - is the role solely infrastructure?
featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Infrastructure and project management
dwhyte85 Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Infrastructure and project management Do you have examples in your CV of projects rolled out and how you managed time, resources and budget? If not maybe worthwhile giving an example. 1
featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 I have a few examples, perhaps I can mention them in the covering letter to reinforce the cv?
webman Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I think there might be too many ands in certain places, making sentences longer than necessary. Split them up, and for some variety, use things like: "in addition to this...", "plus", "as well as X, I also did Y...", and "Thing A, which also included B, C and D". 1
witch Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I wouldn't even mention you don't have a degree. Maybe change to something like ... I have gained a wealth of experience in industry and along with this knowledge I have developed a thirst for problem solving...... What he said - NEVER mention what you DONT have, only what you do! Start out with examples of projects you have done which are similar to the job and then talk about how much you would love the job, NOT the other way around. Stop mentioning the education sector - you dont need to remind them that you dont come from the private sector and give them a stick to beat you with. You are coming from an equally challenging environment, possibly more so! Webman is right, some of the sentences are too long - the second sentence needs splitting up. Whilst I like the word 'plethora', you cannot have aspects 'within', only aspects 'of' I would suggest that you use the words 'Senior management' rather than Headteacher (again, DON'T remind them you come from education.) The sentence 'I can bring a variety....' should go after the information about the infrastructures you have implemented, not before as it talks about aspects of your infrastructure experience. That's a start - can't stay, gotta go and do some work now 2
featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) With the advice of the above, it now looks like this... Dear Sir/Madam I am applying for the IT Project Manager position which I found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk. I am interested in the role because I enjoy leading projects and being creative within the IT field, and have been successful in a challenging and diverse environment and would like to expand into the private sector. I am attracted to the position because it offers a vibrant and challenging environment which is the type of environment where I work best. My experience of project management and implementation of internal systems comes from the Education Sector where I have worked in two schools and instigated two new frameworks, systems, relevant purchasing and budget control, and technical documentation. Along with this, I have helped in a variety of other schools in project management of building up the networks from scratch and assisting with the infrastructures. I can bring a variety of strengths to the role such as knowledge of wired and wireless technologies, various operating systems as well as a variety of different aspects of the IT field. I have gained a wealth of experience in industry and along with this knowledge I have developed a thirst for problem solving. I have become very self motivated to finding solutions to an array of issues, plus I have been able to communicate my methodologies to a large group of people, ranging from Senior School Leadership (Heads of Department, Deputy Headteachers, Business Managers/Bursars, Deputy Headteachers, Headteachers and Governors) to a Technical Director, Army Personnel (Ranging from Lieutenant to Major) and an MP. Should I be considered for an interview, I am available at 48 hours notice. Many thanks for your time and I hope to hear from you soon. Yours Faithfully Edited October 31, 2011 by featured_spectre
NikChillin Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I was always told to limit the amount of 'I's' as it can come across as a bit self centered. 1
featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Not really sure I can change that, if you can give suggestions I am happy to listen and adapt
sdc Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Just being pedantic, but "48 hours notice" should be "48 hours' notice" (apostrophe after the s), and "Yours Faithfully" should be "Yours faithfully" (lower case F). Personally, I would also change "I hope to hear from you soon" to "I look forward to hearing from you soon". Otherwise, great. 1
penfold Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 I would still be tempted to remove the bit where your project management comes from the education sector. I dont think it adds any more information to the rest of the paragraph as you have identified your knowledge and experience comes from working with schools and presumably your LA. But not sure what else you could write there sorry You've got Deputy Heads twice in the area you can communicate with(second paragraph) 1
featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Dear Sir/Madam I am applying for the IT Project Manager position which I found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk. I am interested in the role because I enjoy leading projects and being creative within the IT field, and have been successful in a challenging and diverse environment and would like to expand into the private sector. I am attracted to the position because it offers a vibrant and challenging environment which is the type of environment where I work best. The experience of project management and implementation of internal systems gained can show I have the ability to instigate new frameworks, systems, relevant purchasing and budget control, and technical documentation. Along with this, I have helped in a variety of establishments in project management of building up the networks from scratch and assisting with the infrastructures. I can bring a variety of strengths to the role such as knowledge of wired and wireless technologies, various operating systems as well as a variety of different aspects of the IT field. I have gained a wealth of experience in industry and along with this knowledge I have developed a thirst for problem solving. I have become very self motivated to finding solutions to an array of issues, plus I have been able to communicate my methodologies to a large group of people, ranging from Senior School Leadership (Heads of Department, Business Managers/Bursars, Deputy Headteachers, Headteachers and Governors) to a Technical Director, Army Personnel (Ranging from Lieutenant to Major) and an MP. Should I be considered for an interview, I am available at 48 hours' notice. Many thanks for your time and I look forward to hear from you soon. Yours faithfully How are we looking?
witch Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 You do know a name though right? You aren't going to put Sir/Madam?? Is this to a company or a recruitment agency? "I have become very self-motivated to finding solutions" doesn't actually make sense - maybe " and have worked to find solutions t...." or "have enjoyed finding solutions to.." It is a range you have communicated to, not a large group (images of neph standing in front of thousands declaiming madly come to mind!). I could do this all day!!! (Oh yeah, I used to, and then I started doing this lark- remind me why that was again???) 1
featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 Dear Mr Jackson I am applying for the IT Project Manager position which I found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk. I am interested in the role because I enjoy leading projects and being creative within the IT field, and have been successful in a challenging and diverse environment and would like to expand into the private sector. I am attracted to the position because it offers a vibrant and challenging environment which is the type of environment where I work best. The experience of project management and implementation of internal systems gained can show I have the ability to instigate new frameworks, systems, relevant purchasing and budget control, and technical documentation. Along with this, I have helped in a variety of establishments in project management of building up the networks from scratch and assisting with the infrastructures. I can bring a variety of strengths to the role such as knowledge of wired and wireless technologies, various operating systems as well as a variety of different aspects of the IT field. I have gained a wealth of experience in industry and along with this knowledge I have developed a thirst for problem solving. I have become very self motivated and have enjoyed finding solutions to an array of issues, plus I have been able to communicate my methodologies to a range of people, from Senior School Leadership (Heads of Department, Business Managers/Bursars, Deputy Headteachers, Headteachers and Governors) to a Technical Director, Army Personnel (Ranging from Lieutenant to Major) and an MP. Should I be considered for an interview, I am available at 48 hours' notice. Many thanks for your time and I look forward to hear from you soon. Yours faithfully I know the name of the person, but and it is fixed as per tips! Any more?
CESIL Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 "48 hours notice" should be "48 hours' notice" (apostrophe after the s) Is that right? I don't think it is and it certainly doesn't look right...
GrumbleDook Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 How about ... Dear Sir/Madam I am applying for the IT Project Manager position which I found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk. I am interested in the role because I enjoy leading projects and being creative within the IT field. Having been successful in a challenging and diverse environment, I would like to expand into the private sector. I am attracted to the position because it offers a range of vibrant and challenging work, which is the type of environment where I thrive. 1
sdc Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Is that right? I don't think it is and it certainly doesn't look right... I'm fairly sure it's correct - I proofread quite a bit (for "fun"!), sometimes for a UK publisher. Also, see Problems with apostrophes - the section starting "Timing".
featured_spectre Posted October 31, 2011 Author Posted October 31, 2011 so far so good Dear Mr Jackson I am applying for the IT Project Manager position which I found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk. I am interested in the role because I enjoy leading projects and being creative within the IT field. Having been successful in a challenging and diverse environment, I would like to expand into the private sector. I am attracted to the position because it offers a range of vibrant and challenging work, which is the type of environment where I thrive. The experience of project management and implementation of internal systems gained can show I have the ability to instigate new frameworks, systems, relevant purchasing and budget control, and technical documentation. Along with this, I have helped in a variety of establishments in project management of building up the networks from scratch and assisting with the infrastructures. I can bring a variety of strengths to the role such as knowledge of wired and wireless technologies, various operating systems as well as a variety of different aspects of the IT field. I have gained a wealth of experience in industry and along with this knowledge I have developed a thirst for problem solving. I have become very self motivated and have enjoyed finding solutions to an array of issues, plus I have been able to communicate my methodologies to a range of people, from Senior School Leadership (Heads of Department, Business Managers/Bursars, Deputy Headteachers, Headteachers and Governors) to a Technical Director, Army Personnel (Ranging from Lieutenant to Major) and an MP. Should I be considered for an interview, I am available at 48 hours' notice. Many thanks for your time and I look forward to hear from you soon. Yours faithfully
plexer Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 As you know the name shouldn't you end with sincerely? Ben
sonofsanta Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) Feel free to ignore most of this advice, as I'm only picking at it from a grammar point of view rather than being a Witch-type recruitment genius, but having just read through a raft of applications for a job here I know what I'd pick up on as I read it from the recruiter's point of view. I am applying for the IT Project Manager position which I found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk. I'd switch this to "I am applying for the IT Project Manager position as found on the recruitment website monster.co.uk." Otherwise it reads a bit like "I am doing this because I did this and I blah and I whatever" - and being a covering letter, you are talking about yourself, so cutting down on using "I" wherever you can will help it read better. To my mind, at least, feel free to disagree. I am interested in the role because I enjoy leading projects and being creative within the IT field, and have been successful in a challenging and diverse environment and would like to expand into the private sector. I am attracted to the position because it offers a vibrant and challenging environment which is the type of environment where I work best. I'd strip out the opening part because of course you're interested in the role, you're applying for it. Just start with "I enjoy leading...". In a similar vein, "I am attracted to the position because..." can change to "I feel this role offers the vibrant and challenging environment that brings out the best in me" - there is a better way of phrasing that last bit but my head can't come up with it at the moment, you get the drift anyway. "that I excel in", "that I flourish in" etc. My experience of project management and implementation of internal systems comes from the Education Sector where I have worked in two schools and instigated two new frameworks, systems, relevant purchasing and budget control, and technical documentation. Along with this, I have helped in a variety of other schools in project management of building up the networks from scratch and assisting with the infrastructures. I can bring a variety of strengths to the role such as knowledge of wired and wireless technologies, various operating systems as well as a variety of different aspects of the IT field. I'd be tempted to add a line something like "The education sector operates on very tight budgets and creative solutions often have to be found to meet the needs of all stakeholders within time and monetary constraints." I have gained a wealth of experience in industry and along with this knowledge I have developed a thirst for problem solving. I have become very self motivated to finding solutions to an array of issues, plus I have been able to communicate my methodologies to a large group of people, ranging from Senior School Leadership (Heads of Department, Deputy Headteachers, Business Managers/Bursars, Deputy Headteachers, Headteachers and Governors) to a Technical Director, Army Personnel (Ranging from Lieutenant to Major) and an MP. "I have become very self motivated to finding solutions to an array of issues" makes it sound like you weren't self-motivated in the first place - better to just say "I am very self-motivated...". Similar misgivings apply to "I have developed a thirst..." - that sentence seems a bit unnecessarily wordy overall, actually. There's not much need for the long list of who senior management are - if you still want it there, strip it down to three items with an etc., but it's fine to just remove it altogether. "Senior Management" is a fairly self explantory phrase, anyway, they won't care for the specifics, and it is again reminding them that you came from education, in line with Witch's advice above. In fact, let's just go for a rewrite here: "I have gained a wealth of experience over years in the industry and alongside my thirst for problem solving and my strong self motivation I am able to find solutions to a large array of issues, communicating my methodologies and reasoning to a broad range of users including Senior Management, Technical Directors ,Army Personnel and an MP." Should I be considered for an interview, I am available at 48 hours notice. Many thanks for your time and I hope to hear from you soon. Yours Faithfully Hope some of that helps and my reasoning isn't based too much on my personal biases and pet peeves! And good luck EDIT: I spent ages on this and kept getting distracted so my quotes are a bit out of sync, but you get my drift anyway (hopefully) Edited October 31, 2011 by sonofsanta
NikChillin Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 As you know the name shouldn't you end with sincerely? Ben Yes, that's right. I would put something like 'as you can see from my CV, the experience gained through prevous employment should fit your needs suitably' rather than listing it all. I was always advised to write the covering letter to interest them enough to get you to the interview so you could sell yourself there. Just my opinion....
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