Handy Tips

[Gatt]

Circle a stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the

garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the

stain And check that it has gone.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand

next to the object you wish to view.

 

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet

paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your

home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of

bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids

by running a bit slower.

 

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your

next fag from the butt of your last one.

 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of

steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,

meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know

the difference.

 

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd

no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them

about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed

for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of

your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have

enough to insulate your roof.

 

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your

car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems

anyway, so It may as well look like one.

 

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent

you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

 

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by

banging your feet twice on each stair.

 

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next

customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

 

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first

date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl

makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned

to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of

washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your

shopping trolley

and the other in your coat pocket.

 

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They

may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[john]

HEH just what I needed for a misrable Monday

[edie209]

My wife has a corsa I must suggest the sparkler to her tonight