[joke] A few daft jokes for Friday

[laserblazer]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

 

 

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

 

 

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved, "she were thin". He explodes - "Bloody 'ell man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -

"E, she were thin".

 

 

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, mate, magnum or cornetto?"

[teejay]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird

section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

 

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

 

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says

Gerry.

 

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

 

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck

to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

 

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

'Dis looks like a grand place.'

 

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off

the cliff.

 

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the

bottom, killing himself stone dead.

 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

 

 

THERE'S MORE...

 

 

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

 

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying

another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

 

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

 

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

 

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

 

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

 

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and

breaks every bone in his body.

 

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting

either!'

 

 

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

 

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean

appears.

 

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which

he pulls a chicken.

 

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and

disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

 

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

 

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus

parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[DaveMurphy]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_NOI-A77oPIM/S1iHtNDuDbI/AAAAAAAAA08/ez9YSQZiBWI/s400/Computer+Gremlins.JPG

[Andrew_C]

Here Dave, where'd you get that photo? Those three work here!

[6Foot2]

Another Friday, more daft jokes:

 

Why did the origami teacher quit her job?

 

1. There was too much paperwork.
   
2. She folded under pressure.
   
3. She couldn't cut it.
   
4. She got too bent out of shape.
   

 

Why did the banker quit his job?

He was losing interest.

 

Why did the butcher quit his job?

He couldn't cut it.

 

Perhaps I should have also said they were old?

[LeightonJames]

Paddy and Murphy were walking through a field when Paddy fell into a hole.

"Are you all right??" yelled Murphy.

"Nah I've broke me leg" replies Paddy, "Quick call me an ambulance"

"PADDY IS AN AMBULANCE, PADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!!"

[gizmo2005]

English man, Irish Man and American all sat on top of a sky scraper having a drink and looking over the scenery.

 

English man says to the American: "what’s that your drinking"

 

American Reply’s “it’s my own Brew i made it at home and when i drink it it gives me super powers"

 

Irish man jumps in and says "No way prove it!!!"

 

So the American takes a swig and jumps of the sky scraper and starts flying around the other buildings and doing tricks. He lands back on the sky scrapper and says told you!!!

 

 

The Irish man in excitement says "i want some, let me have a swig"

The American says No its mine

 

after about 10 mins of hearing the Irish man asking and hinting about the drink the American turns to the young Irish man and say here but only have a little bit because too much can damage you....

 

 

Irish man Takes this bottle and gulps it down, he then looks at the American and says i don’t feel any different.

 

American turns to the English man give him a wink and then says to the Irish man try your powers jump off the building....

 

Irish man pick up the courage and jumps the English man and the American watch as the Irish man falls lower and lower until SPLAT he hits the floor

 

 

The English man Turns to the American and Says "Superman You Can Be Really Nasty When You’ve Had a Drink"