Search the Community

http://pizdaus.com/single.php?id=20439 LOL

I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Source: Link [The punchline caught me by surprise and so I laughed heartily for a good few minutes ]

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "So I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really? You've got a new laptop?"

Link: Scientists tell us their favourite jokes: 'An electron and a positron walked into a bar

Although the rest of the conversations are NSFW on the whole this blog is quite funny and a good way to waste ten minutes or so. Texts From Bennett

The PROGRAMMER's QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma. TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot. C: You shoot yourself in the foot. C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there." FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability. Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type. COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot. Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you. BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care. HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result. Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot. Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o no such file or directory % ls % Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot. 370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried. Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too. Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead. Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for. Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot. Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

ANTI CHAIN MAIL Hello, My name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion :censored:ing forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography website will get 6 :censored:ing cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How :censored:ing stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bull! So basically, this message is a big F U to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Screw them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 50 times. I don't bloody care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards... Chances are it's your own unpopularity. P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends! THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) Make a wish!!! Really, go on and make one!!! Oh please, they'll never go out with you!! Wish something else!!! Not that, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes: Send this to 1 person: One person will be p*ssed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be p*ssed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be p*ssed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Chain Letter Type 2: Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!! Chain Letter Type 3: Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like: Queer Horror Story #1: Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way)... They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok. Chain Letter Type 4: As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends: Friends -A friend is someone who is always at your side -A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop, -A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, -A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, -A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, -A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, -A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady, -A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true... Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild mutts! ========================================================== There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, Pass it round!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise show this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and pass it on. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the penis-less boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say: F K CHAIN LETTERS!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1EX--vdxh4 A funny ad from Nando's in South Africa, unfourtunatly they had to pull the ad thanks to a pack of dictatorship supporting nutbars threatening the lives of their staff and customers. Nando's pulls Mugabe chicken advert