A young man tries to get into a night-club, only to be told by the bouncer that he isn’t allowed in without a tie.
Crestfallen, he heads back to his parked car to see whether he has anything in there that he can use as a tie.
Unfortunately, the best he can do is the set of jumper cables that he keeps in the car, which he nevertheless improvises into a sort of neckwear by tying around his throat, and marches back to the night club entrance.
The bouncer stops him, saying “Oi – didn’t I tell you you needed a tie?” to which the bloke responds by indicating his jump-lead neckwear. “All right then” says the bouncer, “I’ll let you in. Just don’t start anything”.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
I purchased Bonnie Tyler's car on eBay last week.
Its a load of rubbish as every now and then it falls apart....
Dos_Box - see if you can give tech_guy a little knock, he's jumping again ;)
I think it's really cruel the way people make fun of Stephen Hawkins' voice.
I have one of those voice boxes and I can really synthesize with him....
Some jokes are so bad they're good and just have to be repeated!
Originally Posted by Hightower
I was asked by Rick Astley if he could borrow my Pixar films...
"OK," I said, "you can have WALL-E, Toy Story and Finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up"
I'd be as smart as Stephen Hawkin if I spent all day sat on my @rse. (Frankie Boyle joke)
It was so cold this morning I had to scrape the ice off my windscreen with my Homebase discountcard. It wasn't much use though - I only got 10% off
Originally Posted by sippo
What do you call an Aussie that's good with a bat?