[Joke] Jokes by the bagful

I always get stupid emails so thought I'd stick them on here for you all

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with
Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly
a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no,
it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you
a better
bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her
that
the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck
all but moan
since you've been here."

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.