If Microsoft built the Matrix.
I wrote this years ago and found it on the web archive, dated but funny still, I hope.
Every time Neo downloaded an upgrade to his brain he would find that he would become sluggish and unresponsive. If he asked Morpheous for an explanation he would be told that his hardware (Brain) was obsolete and no longer supported.
Every time Neo had a fight with Agent Smith it would be even more flashy than the last one they had. Yet it would still leave them with the feeling that nothing else had changed except that it was now harder to pull off those amazing moves that were so simple last time they met.
Every time Neo was caught in a fight Clipit (the office assistant) would appear to ask "It appears that you are in a fight would you like me to help?". This would distract Neo just enough so that he would be creamed by the attacking agent.
There would be embarrassing scenes where Neo, Morpheous, Trinity and the agents would all be fighting but fail to connect any blows. This would continue until someone realized they were using incompatible versions of direct fight. There would then be an embarrassing lull while the offending party downloaded the correct update.
Fight scenes would be interrupted by pop up adverts for Viagra. Also every bill board would show adds for hard core teen sex.
Agents would simply stop functioning for no apparent reason at the most dramatic point in any scene. In doing so they would spoil completely any suspense generated by the plot.
The hardware requirements to connect to the Matrix would be such that the Osiris far from being the small, manoeuvrable craft of the contemporary film would in fact be the size of an aircraft carrier and require a nuclear fusion reactor to power it. Neo, Morepheous, Trinity and the rest of the crew would also be deaf and possibly completely insane due to the constant whine of cooling fans trying to dissipate several gigawatts of heat generated by running the office assistant. *
* The processor overhead of running clipit has been noted by all male members of the crew, and it has in fact been pointed out to Trinity that by disabling it their systems would become more stable, responsive and most importantly less annoying. Unfortunately Trinity for no logical reason refuses to let them turn it off. If questioned her only response is that she finds it amusing.
The team would find themselves dumped out of the Matrix back to the Osaris at random times for no reason. They would accept this as normal without question. When trying to reconnect they would get busy or engaged tones. It ought to be noted that even though they have a "always on flat rate connection" if they stayed in the matrix for more than two hours they would be automatically disconected.
IF Morpheous analysed agent smiths code he would be able to trace the program all the way back to Microsoft Messenger. This explains why he so hard to get rid of.
Agent Smith would harp on about Security being the single most important aspect of the Matrix. Unfortunately some eight year old hacker would always crack any new security protocols easily within minutes. Invariably they would proceed to change Smith out of his smart black and white attire and into a gorilla suite. Although you might think the agents would find this embarrassing they would just pretend it never happened and say it couldn't happen again. Of course it would happen every week but that would change nothing.
When neo sees the Matrix for what it really is, it would not appear as green letters scrolling down in a modernisctic representation of reality. far from it, it would in fact appear looking like the 3D maze screen saver from windows 3.1. This would be even though the matrix was running on Nvidia Geforce 900000 pro turbo titanium version 7 with a billion giga quads of ram. It would also for no apparent reason be locked a 640 x 480 at 60Hz and give Neo severe migraines after just 30 minutes inside. It would of course blue screen at regular intervals and have server graphical glitches.
The Architect would be exactly the same except that he would have an AOL logo on his white suit. Evil, calculating bastard that he is.
There would be small, light, very powerful weapons with very high rates of fire. They would never fail to work, never run out of ammo and cost very little in terms of hardware or money. The Agents would never be able circumvent the security protocols and develop counter measures. Yet these weapons would be overlooked by the team because the trigger was in a different place.
At the climax as the machines are closing in there would be a big meeting in Zion about how to shut down the Matrix. There would be Neo, Morepheous and Trinity pleading for calm as all seemed to be lost. The machines would finally brake through and start to disassemble the underground city. Just as the final battle was comming to an end and it looked like humanity would be enslaved forever, everything would suddenly grind to a halt. The Matrix would fail, the machines would fall over, agent smith would go supercritical in a pyrotechnic display to rival the end of the universe and everyone would be finally free of the tyranny of the artificial intelligence. The day in fact would be saved. When the dust had settled, hugs and kisses dished out ect ect, they would discover that it had all be down to a middle aged man simply opening an email attachment sent to him by someone he didn't know called BrittanySpearsNaked.exe .
And finally if Microsoft built the Matrix..
Neo, for no apparent reason, would be a small black and white penguin.