A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

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My internet wasn't working yesterday, so i phoned up my service provider and asked them what i could do to to make it work.
The guy on the phone said "Have you tried disabling cookie's"
I replied "I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man

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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the ...rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

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I saw one of my mates the other day, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted "where you off to ?"
"To change a light bulb" he responded
"That's going to be awkward isn't it ?"
"Not really, I've still got the receipt !"