Handy Tips

[Gatt]

Circle a stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain And check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach,then urinating into it, before jumping in.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids
by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd
no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed
for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first
date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of
washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your
shopping trolley
and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They
may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[john]

HEH just what I needed for a misrable Monday

[edie209]

My wife has a corsa I must suggest the sparkler to her tonight