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Jokes/Interweb Things Thread, CLARKSONISM'S in Fun Stuff; Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legend among car enthusiasts... "I'm ...
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    CLARKSONISM'S

    Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legend among car enthusiasts...


    "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."


    "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when Chamberlain stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany ."


    Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."


    On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with t' and it isn't soot."


    "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."


    "The air conditioning in a Lamborghini used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."


    "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.


    "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"


    Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road. Some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."


    "Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."


    "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all"


    On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."


    "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."


    "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."


    "There are footballers wives who would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."


    "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed panties. I do, and it helps."


    "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"


    "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush was the equivalent of a President."


    On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

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    There is a website dedicated to this subject:

    Link 1: Clarksonisms - Jeremy Clarkson Car Quotes

    Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson’s quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts…
    Edit: On the subject of Top Gear there is also this site:

    Link 2: The Stig Facts
    Last edited by DaveP; 2nd July 2012 at 03:05 PM. Reason: Add a link to the post.

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