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Jokes/Interweb Things Thread, Health and Safety Advice in Fun Stuff; Our facilities manager sent the following round last night - as it's the last day of term I thought I'd ...
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    BatchFile's Avatar
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    Health and Safety Advice

    Our facilities manager sent the following round last night - as it's the last day of term I thought I'd share it here :

    As I won't be here on Friday to ensure everyone finishes the term in a Healthy & Safe fashion, can I please ask that before you let your guard down at the Talent Show or start chasing each other round the staff room with the mistletoe, that you please take a moment to have a read through the latest Safety Advice Notice from County (attached) which you'll find pertinent to the season.
    Many thanks for all your help and cooperation in 2010 and best wishes for an enjoyable, restful and happy Christmas.

    Health & Safety and Diversity Considerations for Christmas Songs

    The Rocking Song

    Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
    We will lend a coat of fur,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
    We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

    Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

    A recent Government-funded study into cradle safety found, having visited cradle manufacturers all over the world, that the angle of rocking should be limited to 17 degrees from the perpendicular. All future sales of cradles must comply, for instance having built-in restrainers. Failure may lead to prosecution.

    Please note, only persons who have been subject to an Enhanced CRB check will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Such persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

    Jingle Bells
    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way

    A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel. The Risk Assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. A Generic Risk Assessment (Sleighs, Open & Closed) is available on the M Drive.

    Please note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered noise pollution.


    While Shepherds Watched
    While shepherds watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around

    The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate welfare arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via C.C.T.V. cameras from observation huts.

    Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with eyewear (plastic or shatterproof glass) capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

    Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

    Little Donkey
    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights

    We Three Kings
    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances - even if Fair Trade - causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
    We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA Routefinder or GSP navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks.
    Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camelsí hooves.
    Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed -

    Social Services has a statutory right to visit and remove any child to a place of safety pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be found to be guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be instituted after a case study has been carried out and fully discussed at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee

    The Holly and the Ivy Due to the risk of puncture wounds (Holly) and allergic reaction (Ivy) this has now been banned.

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    TwoZeroAlpha's Avatar
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    Excellent, I like this. Forwarded to members of staff with humour1.0 plugin installed.

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    And we won’t go down the road of “In the deep mid winter” as they’ve probably not been gritted!

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    Brilliant, forwarded onto the H&S training team here, all found it funny!

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