Jokes/Interweb Things Thread, Unreasonable Requests :D in Fun Stuff; Here's a mock up helpdesk ticket I took the time to write that all ICT Technicians should be able to ...
15th October 2010, 11:31 AM #1
Unreasonable Requests :D
Here's a mock up helpdesk ticket I took the time to write that all ICT Technicians should be able to relate to.
I am sick and tired of the sub standard IT work going on at this school. And I'd like it rectified, you can start with Moodle. It looks appalling, the colour scheme is horrible, and doesn't represent the school at all, and as for content; there is none, what's this about menu item 1 and menu item 2? Potential parents of potential students don't want to see your frankly useless ICT skills on display with an empty RESOURCE area. One is not happy; I expected an improvement 3 hours ago. So hurry up and learn the secrets to the universe and build a time machine.
Another point, the PC's are ancient and barely function, they function worse than Moodle in fact, where are the i7 processors and DDR9 RAM I expect working at a prestigious school such as this, and don't even mention the graphics cards, oh wait, there aren't any. I would at least expect a £4000 (yet unreleased) overclocked Nvidia GTX 500 in every PC in this day and age, with such graphically intensive applications such as word and notepad. This will be sorted by Saturday and I expect you to work overtime to install these PC's, sleep in school if you must. In addition to this I demand that the entirety of the school network be rebuilt both physically and on the servers themselves (with at least Intel Core i7 processor and 1TB of RAM) all cables should be CAT-6 and should be definitely overclocked. Not good enough IT technicians. Again this shall be done over the course of the weekend ready for use on Monday.
This is essential and if it's not completed then wages will be docked. Furthermore, I would like to question, why do we not have the whole Internet (and Darknet) downloaded and backed up onto our ancient and outdated servers? This will be done by the time I call in later on, and all of the contents will be compressed and stored onto a 256mb USB device, something I hear is easily done using a program called 'PowerPoint' and with someone of such a high technical proficiency this should be an Andrew Doddle.
Also, I have lost my laptop at home. This is your fault as there should have been tracking software installed (Photoshop) and thus I will be taking money out of your wages to buy myself the latest £10000 i7 model. I expected better. You will also provide the same laptop to every student in school, as part of the one laptop one child scheme, and they shall be given full administrator rights of both the local machine and the network, as I don't believe that one person should be in charge, especially people as untrustworthy as you. I think a communist system would fare much better, and the students wouldn't dream of harming the network, and I daresay they could do your job far better than you ever could.
As for the incompetence of the teaching staff, why haven't they been given processor implants in their brain? Don't get me started on the support staff they shall be replaced by robots (including yourselves) as they are unwanted and useless as they hinder the progress of the school.
Lest I forget I also expect a wired 1 petabyte p/s Internet connection both in school and at home and my computer shall have a wired connection to the American secret services' servers as I am entitled to access their data, and while your doing that I want a wired connection to every computer in the world and the ability to control them all, with my thought, obviously.
Oh, and I want a rocket ship, from you, for Christmas. And I want it now. That's not quick enough. Move faster. And don't forget my tea and biscuits. And ownership of every domain name possible, the 7 keys to the Internet, a big pair of boots and world domination. Do this or your job is on the line. If you succeed in your task your reward will be; nothing. As per usual you will receive no recognition or thanks for your work; in fact, I'm not even going to bother to learn your names, tough luck. Why are you still reading? And not working? Chop, chop. Busy, busy, busy.
Now get on working
P.S I’d like to introduce a new scheme where an unbreakable Apple Mac is introduced into every classroom as Windows is too slow for anyone to use, Mac’s never break, ever. All PC’s will also have a triple boot system running Mac OS X, Linux Ubuntu and Windows 8, so students have plenty of choice in what they want to use to complete their work. I also expect you to recode all applications so they are cross compatible with every operating system ever made. Speaking of operating systems I also expect a new CSCC operating system coded and rolled out by this afternoon and all students will be taught how to effectively use the operating system.
IDG Tech News
15th October 2010, 11:40 AM #2
That's way way too detailed...
Should it not be something like....
"Moodle doesn't work
PC's don't work"
15th October 2010, 11:51 AM #3
This is true perhaps the expectaions of an over zealous SMT member?
15th October 2010, 11:51 AM #4
yeah way to detailed - also should be printed out and sent with the kid to your office like the head of ict does here!!
something more along the lines of "Internet problems pages no t loadin"
this is just one email i have recieve today and all becuase the website they where trying to access was down - all our fault!
15th October 2010, 11:51 AM #5
Haven't you done all that yet?
15th October 2010, 11:56 AM #6
you are way behind if you haven't done that yet!
15th October 2010, 11:57 AM #7
We get tickets like that everyday. Some are longer.
15th October 2010, 11:59 AM #8
Paragraph 2, you need to add unpaid in front of the word overtime.
15th October 2010, 12:01 PM #9
I know, it's so difficult to complete such tasks, but it's just a days work good news though, we're nearing completion on the time machine, paradoxical huh?
15th October 2010, 12:03 PM #10
My mistake, how stupid of I, to overlook something as obvious as that!
Originally Posted by teejay
15th October 2010, 12:04 PM #11
No helpdesk ticket has ever come with such detailed technical knowledge. And just as well, if it did I wouldn't be able to spiel off a load of acronyms and technical terms when I wanted to look impressive.
15th October 2010, 12:05 PM #12
That's where you're going wrong. If you had concentrated on doing that first, you would have been able to go back and get all the other tasks done before the request even came in!
Originally Posted by Senseichuck317
But then you wouldn't get the request so you wouldn't build the time machine and...
My head hurts.
15th October 2010, 12:08 PM #13
LOL!! I haven't heard truer words, you'd be suprised at some of SMT's demands however.
Originally Posted by sonofsanta
15th October 2010, 12:11 PM #14
Arghhh!! But is these request never came in, there'd be no job, and with no job, no us?
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