[Joke] Dilbert One Liners

[DaveP]

I found these listed as Dilbert One Liners: One mistake has already been pointed out and I have removed it.

Here is what remains:

1. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
2. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
3. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
7. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, engaged or married to someone else!
8. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
9. Born free, taxed to death.
10. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
11. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
12. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
13. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
14. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
15. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
16. Following the rules will not get the job done.
17. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
18. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
20. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
21. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
22. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
23. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
24. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you.
25. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
26. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
27. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
28. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
29. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
32. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
33. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
34. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
35. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
36. My reality cheque bounced.
37. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
38. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
39. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
40. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
41. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
42. Someday is not a day of the week
43. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
44. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
45. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
46. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
47. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
48. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
49. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
50. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
51. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
52. Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT
53. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
54. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
55. When everything is coming your way......you're in the wrong lane.
56. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
57. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
58. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
59. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
60. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Also here is a link to a website which lists Dilbert quotes [10 quotes to a page]

Link: Dilbert Quotes, Famous Dilbert Quotes Quotations Dilbert Sayings

[shvtrix]

i love these dilbert one liners


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